I Want My Daddy! : How our fathers, or the absence thereof, shapes our relationships

Hello Moms,

I have to say, I have missed blogging.  I have gotten pretty busy in law practice but my first love is reaching out to my fellow single moms.  First I'd like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all those dads who are actually parenting their children.  Not all dads are bad, and we as mothers must give credit where credit is due.  Also Happy Father's Day to you single mothers making it happen from day to day. 

I know today I am supposed to be hitting on internet dating, but since this is Father's Day,I wanted to hit on how our parents shape our own relationships.  I will still cover internet dating, possibly today, if time permits.  One thing I learned as an adult is that everyone doesn't see things the way I do.  I have a strong personality and an interesting sense of humor that may put people off sometimes.  I have a tendency to be blunt, and some might even say rude.  It really all depends on who you ask and how I know the person.

Growing up, my normal was very different than the normal of my peers.  I grew up with divorced parents, which sadly is becoming the norm.  My parents were very religious, they had both remarried twice, and they were both very intelligent and good looking people.  I went to church multiple times a week, it was apart of my lifestyle.  Depending on which parent's church I went to, you might find yourself in an episode of General Hospital or something.  My dad was a pilot and my mother worked many hours at the post office. 

My parents had very different parenting styles and discipline techniques.  Many of my friends had divorced parents and generally we shared a likeness in ideology because we came from similar backgrounds but some came from two parent homes and they saw things very different. Their idea of marriage was very different as was their definition of normal.  Believe it or not, the environment that we are raised in has a huge impact on how we view relationships, parenting, etc.  I say often that our parents are our first teacher.

If you're anything like me, it probably terrifies you that you are the model for what your child thinks a woman is or should be.  It is likely that your son will choose a woman similar to you in personality or your daughter will grow up to be like you.  That's why we are so interested in having it "together" because the day our kids find out we are humans and flawed individuals, we just might lose all credibility with them.

My parents were not perfect parents despite their church involvement, jobs, intelligence, and good looks.  They never pretended to be either.  In fact, what I respect about the both of them the most, is their humility.  I didn't really come to appreciate that until having my own children.  Kids sit high and look low judging their parents, all the while having no idea what sacrifices their parents make to keep them clothed and fed.  I know I did.  While my parents weren't perfect, I never had to visit either of them in jail, I never once even had to worry about me or my siblings being touched inappropriately, I was never exposed to any substance abuse, and I was taught by both of them very young to put God first and develop a personal relationship with him.

Like most other kids the biggest complaint was that they worked too much or they were "mean" telling us to go to school, make good grades, and stay away from people who ran the streets.  All the advice we so wish we would have taken early on.  However, my childhood  might be very very different than a person who I may be interested in dating.  My upbringing causes me to believe that marriage isn't a necessity.  Its great for those who want to be in it, but after being raised by parents who have divorced multiple times, I feel like I can raise my kids and co-parent without necessarily being married to you.  Marriage is WORK and not for the faint of heart at all.  I have great respect for anyone who wants to be married and is happily married because it is a job.  To me, its an obligation and commitment I don't care to entertain right now.

This worked out great for me in being a single parent because I was already prepared for a single parent home.  I'd lived in one since I was four years old.  To this day, I have no patience for foolishness and no problem closing the door on a relationship that is not working for me.  There is absolutely no coming back from cheating.  I have no desire to work anything out with a cheater.  Unfortunately while this works for me, this is now the normal that I have created for my children.  I'm not saying its right or wrong, because it has its pros and cons like everything else, but for a person who comes from a different background, it may seem absolutely crazy. 

My mother worked six days a week, she's an awesome cook, she took us on vacation every year, we ate out a lot and I'm used to that.  Because she worked crazy hours, we didn't see her that much through the week, but she set a standard for me as a woman.  She went to church and we went with her.  Like my mother, I work and I work hard.  I make more time for my kids because I have that flexibility but that has come with time.  I cook, and do it very well, but I am also accustomed to eating out at nice places.  I am used to vacationing and so are my children.  Almost every man that I have come across has come with the ideology that because I can cook, I must want to cook everyday, and we don't need to go out unless its a special occasion.  Wrong again friend. 

My father is a pilot, a tall, good looking and very well educated man who fixes things around the house and takes care of business.  He wears suits most of the time and is a minister and very active in the church.  Most of my life my dad was in school for something.   My dad set the bar high for what a man should be.  I didn't expect every man to fly an airplane or be a former marine like my dad, but I thought they were all educated, definitely had to be good looking, and I thought they all could fix things.  Again, not so much.  Imagine my surprise to find that some men have no problem being unemployed, most men don't want to go to church, let alone work in it.  Every man didn't share his drive and desire to succeed.  And the bulk of men my age, couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time, let alone change the oil or drop a transmission. 

What I looked for and expected a man to be was unrealistic.  It was my reality that I projected onto everyone else.  This was my normal. When I was younger, since I couldn't necessarily find some one to fit the image of what I thought a man should be, I lowered my standards and tried to create a man to fit my ideology which didn't sit to well with most grown men, who quite frankly don't want to be your daddy.  From what I have learned, most of them frown on this.  This can also arise where women have negative interactions with their parents and project that onto men.  Don't get me wrong, some men are just scum, as are some women, but every man you meet isn't going to be the absent father that is not going to take care or their child, or the one that is going to leave you and leave you wondering why.

Our dads, good, bad or indifferent, shape our idea of what a man is or should be.  And why wouldn't it?  Our dads are the first men we ever love.  I had to check myself recently because I had let my standards get too laxed.  My dad took care of me while studying for the bar and non of the three men I have borne children to even offered to cover the bills or pool together to make sure their kids didn't go without, but my daddy sure as heck made sure his daughter was cared for.  Possibly, they would have if they could have, but in this instance, they did not.  We'll charge it to their head and not their heart.  I had to come to myself like story of the prodigal son in the Bible, where he found himself eating pig slop and was like "wait a minute, the servants in my father's house have plenty to eat, what am I doing out here in the pig pen?" 

That commitment is exactly what I would want from a mate, someone who will work work extra hard to make sure his family is provided for and has pockets deep enough to do it.  Someone who may not always have or can give me everything I want but will step up when I need them the most.  This is why in the old days when a man came to take a woman from her fathers house he had to give a dowry to show he could provide for her.  Don't come taking me out of the warm bed at my parents house to move me to the couch in the basement of your parents house. 

Our mothers  shape who we are as women.  There are some traits you will inherit from your mother that despite your best effort, you won't be able to shake.  Like in my family, nagging seems to be a genetic trait.  My grandma nagged, my mom nagged and is still nagging (probably nagging right now), and by George, I have become quite the nag myself. My daughters, who are 10 and almost 2, are already nagging at their brothers all the time.  I have also inherited the view that it is my way or the highway, which doesn't work well in any situation where compromise is a must.  There are two ways of doing things, my way and the wrong way lol. 

Since the majority of my readers are women, we have to maintain our standards for relationship but those standards must first be realistic standards.  I've written before about making yourself the kind of partner you would want for yourself.  My dad said once, you can tell what kind of fish you are going to catch by the bait you use.  We also have to realize that every man, good or bad, is not our father.  Wouldn't it be gross if they were?  It is equally important not to pass these type of projections to our own children.  As single mothers we get so used to doing thing ourselves that, believe it or not, we refuse to accept help.  Many times when dads want to step in we can stand in the way.  Not saying there are times when you don't need to intervene, but there are times where it is a product of selfishness.

If I can be real for a second, just because he is not a good man or husband for you doesn't mean he doesn't love his children and doesn't want to be a father.  Remember, if he doesn't want to be a parent, its his loss.  Through all of our hurt we have to be able to separate the two.  And dare I say, we may have a few flaws of our own as well.  It is imperative that if they are bringing a positive influence, we allow them access.  That access shapes future relationships and behaviors for our sons AND daughters.  Our children need that.  Whatever caused my parents previous marriages to fail didn't stop them from being parents to us and they are still parenting even though we are all adults now.  I try to give my children the same benefit.  As people we may fall short, but as parents we are keeping it together from our respective households. 

Returning to school? Failing to Plan is Planning to Fail

Hello Moms!

I hope you all had a well-deserved relaxing weekend.  No such thing, right?  Well I hope it wasn't too stressful.  I wish I could say that my weekend was productive but I spent most of it standing over the kids shoulder watching them and making sure they cleaned their rooms.  I guess it was productive if you count the fact that after two days they finally got them clean and it lasted, oh about five minutes.  I don't know if they have just gotten lazier since I've been out of school or if I was just so busy with school that a clean house just wasn't a priority.

All through school people asked how I was doing it with kids.  Well, since they were all born during sometime in my educational career, it helped that I had them in shifts.  The first two are 13 months apart, then a four year gap and a five year gap.  Now that they're 11, 10, 6, and 1, I can run my own little sweatshop and make it easier for me.  LOL.  I'm kidding of course.  However, being able to count on everyone to pitch in always helps. 

As a single mom, going back to school has to be a team effort.  There has to be effective planning if you want to go back to school and finish.  Going and not finishing means getting a bunch of debt with nothing to show for it.  It is absolutely doable so long as you develop a plan and stick to it.

1. Prepare your family - You are going to need a support system.  Even if its just your kids, you need a cheering squad.  There are going to be days when you don't have time to cook a full meal.  You need to prepare your kids for this major change in your life, especially if you are going to continue working while going back to school.  If you have an older child, now is the time to let them help in the kitchen, if its nothing but showing them how to make something simple like Hamburger Helper or popping in a Stouffer's family meal in the oven.  If not, there is no shame in having some quick fixes in the freezer.  Also, having some Uncrustables or Lunchables on hand for weekends before exams or when papers are due.

You are the person in your house that keeps everything together.  Rest assured if you don't plan ahead, everything will fall apart.  Start assigning chores, if you haven't already.  If your kids are old enough, let them pull the laundry out of the dryer, dry and put away the dishes, load the dishwasher etc.  This will go over a lot better if you start them doing this now in anticipation of you going back to school than springing it on them as you go along.  Older siblings can dress the younger ones in the morning.  Every little thing helps.

In addition, you time is going to be very limited.  There will be weekends when you will totally have to check out of the game.  To make these days easier, make time for your family.  One thing I had to learn was how to balance being a mom with being a student.  You need to designate a time just for you kids where the student hat comes off and the mom hat comes on and stick to it.  If your time is 7pm, close your laptop, put your notes and books away, and give them that time.  When you're at school, let that be your priority, but when you get home and enter your family time, leave all that stuff to the side.

2. Prepare your finances - Last week when we talked about finances, I mentioned that education is expensive.  There are options available.  Fill out your Free Application for Financial Student Aid (FAFSA) early, even if you don't know where you want to go to school.  Put them all down and when you decide they have your information already.  There is no shame in taking out student loans, but remember they have to be paid back.  Fortunately, for single mom's, depending on what you're making you may be eligible for a Pell Grant and other options.

Don't be afraid to apply for scholarships.  I have sat on some scholarship committees and you would be surprised that people do not apply for free money.  Sometimes they have to give the scholarship to someone they would not normally consider by default.  Check the financial aid website of the school you want to attend and often they will have scholarships based on need, some based on academics, and some for students going into particular fields.  Apply for all you qualify for.  I would not have been able to go to law school had I not received a scholarship and I wrote 14 essays and was selected for two.  Those two covered my complete tuition.

Additionally, going to school eats up your disposable income, as if we ever have any.  Its time to cut back as much as you can.  Start cutting back early so it doesn't make going to school unbearable.   If you're used to getting your hair done every couple weeks or a mani/pedi, you may have to cut back a while.  Movies once or twice a week may also have to be cut.  You may have to take your lunch, buy coffee creamers instead of getting lattes, etc., all things you can start doing now.

3. Prepare your schedule - If you are working, you need to make arrangements with your employer so that your school schedule does not conflict with your school schedule.  This is hard to do.  If your employer will not work with you, then you may be forced to make some tough decisions.  I'm not going to tell you to leave your job because, well, I can't afford to move you and your kids in.  But there are options such as taking online classes, night classes and weekends.  You may not be able to take a full load every time.  It may be easier to ask for leniency on some days easier than you can request having special accommodations everyday.

You may not be as crazy as I was and believe that leaving your job to go to law school is a smart idea.  That is perfectly fine, you know your financial situation better than I do.  However, to improve your financial situation you may have to make some sacrifices up front.  That is a choice that you are going to have to consider with your financial situation before you make any rash decisions.

4. Prepare yourself - Yet again you are going to be spread very thin.  Thinking about it, applying for college, filling out paperwork, chasing deadlines, etc., all of that will feel very overwhelming.  This is why it is so important to plan ahead.  The main thing is setting in your mind that you are going to finish.  It is going to take some work but you can do it. 

Many times our dreams don't get off the ground because we are defeated in our mind by making the process bigger than what it is.  Once you have made your plan, execute it.  Stay in there because the time will pass either way.  For me, quitting was not an option because I knew if I stopped and sat a semester out, I wouldn't go back.  Take advantage of summer classes.  The class sizes are usually smaller and they are more relaxed.  Do whatever you have to do to get your education.  You don't have to settle for your career any more than you have to settle for anyone not worth your time.  Yes, we will have to work jobs we don't like and hours we don't want sometimes to get to where we are going.  However, the time you put in will be well worth it.

Also, don't let yourself get caught up in the trap that you going to school makes you a bad mother.  You are not going to have time for everything and that is something you have to accept early.  You are doing something your children will remember forever.  No, I don't expect you get your education at the expense of your children, but, if education is what's standing in the way of you and your career, you have to get it done.

Financial Management: The importance of keeping your checkbook in check

Hello Moms!

I hope you all had a great weekend and a wonderful Easter.  This was the first holiday I have been able to enjoy since starting law school nearly three years ago.  Needless to say I cooked!  Smoked a ham, turkey, leg of lamb, and a brisket.  Also made some macaroni & cheese, fried cabbage, and my mom made the dressing and the best cheesecake and banana pudding I ever tasted in my life.  As much as I love to eat, that is saying a lot!  I was grateful to be able to get back into the swing of things.  God has blessed me to accomplish my goals and I never want to make light of where he's brought me from.  Part of the reason I write these blogs is so that someone else in a hopeless situation can get down enough to be just crazy enough to trust God to pull them through.  But with all the prayer, there has to be some kind of action behind the faith to pull you through.

Believe it or not, I didn't just wake up one day an attorney.  It was a process, it was a struggle, and it was WORK!  I didn't get all the answers overnight so if you don't have the answers don't feel bad.  You are not alone.  I have had bill collectors calling me, I've had bounced checks, bills I was afraid to open, and utilities cut off before.  I've experienced a BC life.  That BC doesn't stand for before Christ, it stands for Bad Credit!  When I say bad, I mean not being able to financed for a roll of toilet paper bad.  I didn't file bankruptcy, I didn't find some magical quick fix agency to erase my sins of my credit report, it was a long process but doable none the less.

It is so easy for us as single moms to get overwhelmed by bills.  The kids always need something: clothes, field trips, science fair, you name it - they need it.  Ever have the feeling you make just enough money to be broke?  I remember when I finished undergrad and got a job working for the State.  All the assistance I had received during the last year of undergrad was gone and between daycare, rent, car note, insurance, food and gas, I almost felt like I had went to college and got a job for nothing.  Oh and I forgot to mention the student loans that came with it.  It always seemed like a crap shoot when it came to the budget every month.

I had come to the point where if the money was gone it was gone.  If the bill collectors called, I'd tell them very quick and simple that I didn't have it.  Of course they threatened to put it on my credit, and I was like "go ahead, if there's any room left on it.  Take a number pal!"  It was making me crazy for a while with calls to my job and trust me, when you're in the criminal justice field, they don't want nobody with money problems who can be bought by inmates and clients.  My credit since I've finished undergrad and through finishing law school has serious impact on my career and my future.  Financial responsibility is a major factor in gaining admission to the bar.  It wasn't that I didn't want to pay, I just couldn't.  That didn't stop me from wanting to be able to by a house or a car that would last past tax season.  Brace yourself, it will be an uphill battle but it is doable and necessary for many reasons.

If you're anything like me you want to know the "why" behind anything before you get to the "how".   Here's the "why"- Your financial status can be holding you back from jobs, school, relationships, and other aspirations.  I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you haven't heard before but maybe some first hand experience will help put things in perspective.  I know what its like to be doing your best and all you can do to keep going and that not be good enough, so don't get discouraged if right now the situation seems impossible.

Lets breakdown each element and see if we can make some sense of the "why".

Jobs - The economy is bad, and the government keeps saying things are getting better, but it hasn't trickled down here yet.  Some people are having problems finding work and some are stuck in positions they hate due to the realization that changing jobs right now is very risky.  Companies are feeling this too.  When people get desperate, they do desperate things and that is not a risk many employers are willing to take.  Employers run credit checks on their employees.  I was denied a job twice because of credit.  I was furious. How was I supposed to pay the bills if no one would hire me?  Sad part was I couldn't blame anyone but myself.  Being a business owner myself now, I can see where they were coming from.  It's not that maybe they didn't want to give me a chance, but probably could not afford to take the risk.  An employer is vicariously liable for wrongful acts of their employees committed in the scope of employment and if they by chance sue you, they aren't going to recover anything because you had nothing to start off with in the first place.  An employer wants a person who can manage their own life.  Your credit report is a written reflection of who you are, your management skills, and how you handle a crisis.  Are you going to bail on the company like you bailed on your bills if things get rough?

Its unfair and discouraging but the employer, who doesn't know you from the man in the moon, has nothing else to go by.  Its not that they expect perfect credit but they do expect you to communicate with creditors and make arrangements.  Bottom line is, if there is only one position open, and credit is the tie breaker between the two candidates, they will choose the one who had demonstrated financial responsibility.  After all, businesses are about making money and if you can't manage yours, then they can't take the risk that you'll be a good steward over theirs. 

Education - These people don't care about your credit, right?  WRONG!  This was  a shocker for me when I went to law school.  I had gotten student loans through undergrad and grad school with no problem but law school was a whole different ball game.  I had to get private loans and they were based on my credit history.  I was blessed with a full scholarship to law school for my tuition but I still had to live and pay bills.  Most law schools, like the one I attended, do not allow you to work the first year.  I had worked all through undergrad and grad school so I hadn't encountered that problem before.  I still had three kids to feed and a new baby on the way so I had to take out loans to pay the mortgage and feed the kids.  The first year getting loans wasn't so bad because when I applied I was still working and classes hadn't started yet.  The second and third year was a different story.  I hadn't worked for a year and even though I hadn't accumulated new debt, my debt to income ratio was outrageous. 

Depending on what you're making now and what career you are going into, getting financial aid can be difficult and you may have to get private loans.  Even after finishing law school, I had to study for that dreaded bar exam and since the job market deteriorated right when I started law school and I took extra classes to graduate early, I hadn't worked in two and a half years.  I was unable to qualify for a bar study loan.  Fortunately, I was able to withdraw from the Bank of Dad to cover my expenses for four months.  ALL this hassle to pursue my education that has a lot of up front cost.  Now of course it will pay off eventually, but my creditors didn't want to take the chance on me one day making a lot of money. 

Bottom line here is, you have to put in money to make money and education is expensive.  My dad was able to support me over the last hurdle but the whole journey before that was funded with student loans and my own income.  There are some financial aid resources available to ease the burden, but you have to be prepared to spend money to pursue your career.  Unless you have someone with bags of money waiting to write the check, you will most like end up taking out a loan at sometime in your educational journey.  Not only that, you have to be able to manage and maintain while you are in school.

Relationships - What's love got to do with it?  I know some of you are going to think I am way in left field with finances being a hindrance to a relationship but if you'll indulge me for a few minutes, you'll see I'm right on time.  If I can get a little technical for a second, the biggest predictors of divorce are 1. Having a child before marriage, 2. Getting married under 30, and 3. Poverty.  Now I'm in no way saying that you are destined to fail if you are 25 have a baby, get married and and you're poor, or vice versa for that matter.  There are no guarantees.  Finances can break a relationship whether we want to admit it or not.  Think about it, many of us single mothers are struggling to keep our head above water as it is, we don't want some out of work, don't want to work,  loser bringing us down.

My dad used to tell me that you can tell the kind of fish you're going to catch by the bait you use.  I used to say that I want a man who is over six feet tall, washboard, not washed up abs, good credit, good job, loves the Lord, no kids but will love mine like his own and doesn't want to have any of his own, will buy me nice things, and doesn't mind sharing his money with me.  Can I keep it real for just a minute?  I was dreaming.  My friend and I were talking about something she heard on the radio about women making themselves available to meet a mate.  The caller was talking about Ruth in the Bible and how Boaz found Ruth while she was working in his field. 

I had to come to the realization that I had to be the kind of person I was looking for if I was going to find a person with those descriptors.  You can't soar with Eagles hanging with a bunch of Turkeys!  Chances are, the guy with washboard abs is not going to be hanging out at the food places I frequent.  A person with the body I described probably spends some time in the gym or outdoors getting physical exercise and since I did neither of those things, chances are I wasn't going to find him.  You can't expect a person to meet a standard you can't meet yourself.  If a man has good credit and is financially secure, he probably didn't get that way by being foolish.  He most likely does not want someone he has to bail out of financial problems and who is going to mess up what he has worked to build up.  People tend to gravitate towards those with like interest and values. 

If you want a man with a good job and strong financial stability, we have to step our game up as well and make careers for ourselves and be able to manage our finances.  If you want a guy who loves the Lord, perhaps you should start frequenting churches and getting involved with church activities, meetings and the like.  Being that we are single mothers, although we very well may be able to find a man with no children, it is more likely that the person we meet will have children or want children.  Its about being realistic informed in our thinking.  You don't want a person who can make or break you, you want someone who compliment your lifestyle.  Financial stability and responsibility is definitely something you should pay attention to in a relationship and should also be something you bring to the table as well.  Face it, both of you can do bad by yourself.  Additionally, just because a man makes good money, doesn't mean he wants to give it to you or spend frivolously.  

Future Aspirations - It may not seem like it now, but time is going to pass and things will not always be this difficult.  The kids are getting older, we are getting older, and sooner or later, they are going to leave the house.  You really don't want your old collection items snatching the dream away.  I remember when I first considered buying a house.  My credit score was a 538.  I was in grad school working on my Master's and my credit was still a hot funky mess from trying to stay afloat in undergrad.  I was working and making fairly decent money and couldn't get financed for a doll house let alone a house for me and the kids.  I had no idea what was on my credit report because I never looked at it.  I was so used to being told no, that it never really shocked me to get denied.  I was always shocked when I got approved.

I was living in the projects at the time and was trying desperately to get out of there.  This time when I was denied I asked for a copy of my credit reports and the scores they had.  I looked on there and there were some OLD collections from when I turned 18, and a couple bad checks that I wrote to wal-mart for trivial amounts like $35. After I paid those I saw in the memo of the cancelled checks,  "diapers" and could remember back to those days where I had to choose between diapers and lunch money or gas.  Thank God for grace!  There were also a lot of late pays from when I just didn't have the money.  It took about a year before I could get my score high enough to buy a home at an interest rate that wouldn't have me in foreclosure by the first payment.  Getting my finances together also reduced my interest rate on my car by refinancing, and after a while I was turning down offers for credit rather than being turned down.

Now that I've told you why you need to get this done, I'm going to tell you how to go about doing it.  Its no fun realizing how much debt you are in.  Hey, I so wish I could tell you that I am debt free today but that would be lying and it wouldn't help you at all.  I have a mortgage, car payment, you would faint if you saw my student loan debt, and yes, dare I say, I have some credit card debt left over from Christmas and from starting my two business.  What I don't carry with me is frivolous debt.  Living off of credit cards is a big mistake but, it is also sometimes a necessity, as quiet as its kept.  But it should be an exception and not the rule.

Now I'm no financial planner and I can't say that I'm on expert on how to get out of debt.  I can tell you what worked for me and how I took control of my finances and my credit.

1. Pull your credit report - Its hard to know what to do if you don't know what you're up against.  Some of the items on your credit report may be old and can be deleted.  Anything you see seven years or older, and sometimes five years depending on the jurisdiction, you need to dispute.  Also if you see other items that have been paid, or the amount is off, dispute those too.  Many of the items on my report were old and had to be deleted.  You can get a free copy of your credit report from each of the credit bureaus from annualcreditreport.com.

2. Call your creditors - Talk to your creditors and see what settlement offers are available.  Don't be deceived, these will show up on your credit report still and say "paid/settled for less than the amount owed".  What I did for many of them was ask them to send me something in writing that says the account is paid and an agreement to remove the item from my credit report.  DO NOT agree to something that you know you cannot pay.  This looks worse and can start the time all over again.  Many times, the time will run from the last date you agree to make a payment.  If you can't work out an agreement with them, move on to the next one and come back to them later.

3. Pay small items first - Looking at all your debt will be overwhelming.  Paying the items will get more items out of collections first.  It won't have as big of an effect as the bigger debts but it does build your confidence when you pull your report and see there are less items on the report.

4. Keep a budget and stick to it - Making a budget is so important.  But making it is no good if you don't follow it.  You may have to cut out some luxuries for little while to get caught up.  I didn't have cable until three years ago.  You may have to take your lunch instead of buying lunch.  Track your spending, you will see how quickly things add up.  I used to hit a drive thru during lunch and spend about $4-$6 per day on lunch, not to mention what I spent on latté.  I was spending a good $30 - $40 a week eating out.  That was money I used to pay off old collections and old bills.  As usual, I endured some criticism from people who thought I should spend that money on my kids but I'm a big picture person.  That temporary affliction was nothing compared to what I will be able to give them in the future.  Thankfully, they won't have the student loan debt I walked away with but they can also appreciate the struggle, and what we endured to make that a reality for them.  It's like circumcising a baby.  Sure its painful at any age, but they won't remember it if you get it done as baby, they won't forget if they get it done as men.  Get your finances together early so you give them better opportunities in the future.

5. Balance your check book - I am bad at this myself sometimes.  Don't try to count on that you'll remember what you have in the bank.  It never fails, we always forget something.  I can't afford any overage charges.  I can't afford to pay $6 for lunch and $27 for the overdraft fee. 

6. Be patient - It is not going to get fixed overnight.  It is going to take some time.  Even after you pay them your score goes down, then up.  Keep paying your bills on time and pay off your back bills and collections at a pace consistent for you.  It will add up and you will see your score start to rise.  The main thing is being consistent in paying on time and developing a payment history.

I hope this information has been helpful.  As always if you have questions or if I left anything out, please feel free to post a comment or email me and let me know.  Until next time, be blessed!

Black Dress, Dark Shades, Good Friends and Ice Cream: Grieving Over a Dead Relationship

Hello Moms!

As usual, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  I know this week I was supposed to hit on finances and I's gettin to it, but today a good friend of mine pointed out something very important that I left out from the Dating as a Single Mom series.  I've talked about paying for dates, going on dates, safety, kids, and even how to cut the guy loose.  I neglected to tell you what to do after its over.

One thing everyone fails to mention when giving relationship advice is that, once you get rid of that scum bag, you get rid of his good qualities and the conveniences having a mate brings, even if it is a crappy mate.  Now the last relationship I was in, the guy was a funky hot mess.  He was verbally abusive and in the last days got crazy enough to be physically abusive...may God rest his soul.  Lol just kidding, he's still breathing.   But he also mowed the grass every week, cleaned the gutters, paid some bills, took out the trash, and paid for dinner.  At times, he would even do laundry and cook.  Despite his horrible disposition, there are other perks that I miss from the relationship.

I say that to say this, no matter what the reasons were for getting out the relationship, every jerk, wacko, crazy, and every loser has some attractive qualities.  Something attracted you to him in the first place.  I have a feeling when he walked by, your first thoughts weren't "wow, he looks like a big psycho lunatic jerk, with bad credit, who will treat me really bad and cheat on me.  I wonder what he's doing for dinner tonight."  It is normal to grieve a relationship, even a bad one.  Trust me, now that Spring is finally here and I'm mowing my own grass again after shoveling snow this winter and paying for my own meals, even I entertained the thought one time or another of getting back with that two timing, thieving loser, that treated me like crap.  One thing I have to remind myself of is that, having my grass cut is not worth having my self esteem cut.

There is a reason you let that person go.  Maybe he was mean, a cheater, or maybe something just didn't feel right.  Whatever the reason, you can't go second guessing yourself every time you feel the pain of being alone again. Trust me you will go through a range of emotions.  One minute, dropping that man like a sack of potatoes seems like the best decision you ever made, and sometimes it is, but it doesn't mean in the same breath you won't feel like you made a mistake.  Regardless of why, you are back to feeling alone again.  You are probably disappointed in yourself, your ex, men in general, God, etc.  There is always that "why me" moment where you play over in your mind repeatedly that there is something about you that can't make a relationship work.

This is a lie we tell ourselves relationship after relationship.  No matter whose fault it is, or if it just wasn't right for either of you, something inside you won't believe that there isn't something you could have done to avoid being in this position again.  Every guy you meet and date will not be the one.  I had to stop looking for every guy to be "the one" and starting thinking as every date as "the one" taking me to dinner that night.  I don't believe you have to sleep with someone to date them so there is no harm in dating more than one person, so long as you are both being honest about it.  I enjoy being taken out and treated like a lady.  I enjoy when a man shows an interest in my kids.  I also enjoy having a person help take some of the load off.  I can do that without investing all my emotions into one person until I know this person is genuine and not just good at keeping up a front.

So in the mean time, how do we survive the current crisis? 

1. Feel free to grieve - Let yourself feel and endure the process.  You are not going to get over this in one night.  Be thankful for the season that you had in the relationship and the good things you shared with that person.  At least for some period of time you got a break and that has to be worth something.  Put on some mom jeans and eat ice cream for a few days if you have to.  Cry if you need to but don't try to bury your feelings or pretend its not happening.

2. Lean on your friends - believe it or not, you are not the only one who has ever felt this way.  Get some support from someone you can count on to keep you from going back to an unhealthy environment.  Not necessarily the "I told you so friend" but the friend who can pull up some ice cream and a shopping cart and help you plow through it. 

3. Stick to your guns - Time is going to pass and your hormones are going to be up and down like a clown at a rodeo.  If the only thing that has changed in the situation is that you've both gotten older, going back to the relationship won't change the issues you had.  You made the right decision for you and you will get through this.  It doesn't seem like it all the time, but when you feel that way, that's the time to call your friends and get out of the house.  

4. Get a life - Fill your time.  Right before I finished law school, I broke off an engagement.  I was hurt and the jerk stole my class notes just before finals.  That could have torn me down and ruined what was one of the best days of my life.  Fortunately, I had to scramble to redo my outlines and prepare for exams so I could graduate.  I also had to study for the bar.  I didn't have time to be bitter and I didn't have time to wallow in the fact that I had to give back a three carat engagement ring that I came to view as a diamond covered shackle.  I had to get up and get on with the rest of my life.

Now maybe you don't have anything as extreme as the bar but you have work, kids, and other activities that you had before your ex came into your life.   Get back to those things and everything that made you happy to begin with.  Until next time, be blessed and always feel free to drop me a line when you need to a push to move on.

Kids in the Kitchen, Let's Get Cooking!

Hello Moms!

I hope your week is off to a great start! 

 

I don't know about the rest of you but over the past 9 years of being a single mom, there have been many days where I just needed a break.  Between school, kids, work, dinner, cleaning, and the million and one other things that had to be done in the short span of 24 hours, it would be all I could do not to collapse just at the thought of it.  And one day I did.  I had worked myself so hard that I literally collapsed.  After three days in the cardiac unit with the worst food known to man, the doctors never could figure out what was wrong.  Diagnosis, exhaustion.  What does this have to do with cooking?  I'm getting to it!  Always rushing me!  With all the education I have, one thing I did not learn was how to delegate.  I also was so wrapped up in my own independent woman pride that I didn't know how to accept help.  I didn't want anyone's pity and every time someone made a promise they would break it just as soon as it came out of their mouth. 

This led to me believe that the only person who could do anything, correctly, was me.  Sad thing about that mentality is that if you're the only one who can do the job, you can never be replaced, and you can never go any higher than where you are.  Sometimes the problem isn't that we can't get any help as much as it is that we don't know how to accept it.  We have gotten so used to only depending on ourselves that we don't know how let anyone help, not even our kids.  Wow that's a hard pill to swallow. 

My daughter, who is now 10, had been asking me if she could help me cook for years.  She has watched me in the kitchen since she was a baby and just like her mother, she loves to eat.  My boys are surprisingly the same way, they love to cook.  The baby, well for now, she just likes to taste test everything.  Last year, after getting tired of giving her excuses that it was too dangerous, she would slow me down, its too complicated, I finally just said, "OK".  I started with something simple like mixing cake mix or cornbread, beating eggs, or measuring ingredients.  When I saw that she could handle more responsibility, I let her scramble the eggs, make the vegetable for dinner, brown ground beef or make the macaroni and cheese.  My boys are active in the kitchen as well. They season the meat, stuff the pork chops, etc., while I handle the heavy lifting. 

I enjoy cooking in general but the demand of doing it everyday can make it tedious at times.  I have the most fabulous Rachel Ray cookware but surprisingly it doesn't make cooking feel like the Rachel Ray show.  On some days its just another thing that has to be done, like the laundry.  Letting my kids help in the kitchen has made cooking dinner less of a chore.  It lessens the things that I have to do in the kitchen and gives me more time with them.  I taught my older two kids division and fractions through measuring ingredients.  It also provides and informal forum for conversation.  Now granted they aren't teenagers, so we aren't discussing birth control while baking ziti, but I have learned about some of their friends, some instances of bullying, and other things I would have probably otherwise overlooked.

So some of you may be wondering, what's the big deal?  Letting the kids help in the kitchen is not just about being efficient, its about bonding with your kids.  We rarely have enough time with the kids as it is and its important to make the most of the time you have together.  When you first start out, the kids are going to make a mess, they aren't going to do everything right.  You are going to get frustrated because initially, its going to take twice as much time teaching them how to do everything, how to be safe, and not to leave dish towels on the stove.  Brace yourself in advance. 

Face it, its not going to be forever that our kids enjoy spending time with us.  There will come a time where your kids may not feel comfortable talking to you about certain issues.  I'm no Dr. Phil, but I have a feeling that getting them talking freely now, while doing an activity you both enjoy, will set the stage for open communication later.  It doesn't necessarily have to be cooking, it could be yard work, walking the dogs, washing the dishes, anything to allow you to delegate and get more time with your kids.  You will be surprised what it will do for all of you.  God Bless!

Boyfriend's Baby Mama - Should You Meet Her?

Hello Moms!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  If your house is anything like mine, the weekend is just a day to clean and another day to watch it get dirty again.  Story of our lives!  I remember well my last year of last school when I had eight kids in my home everyday.  Seemed like I could never get a grip on the housework.  Blended families are something!  That's a whole different Oprah. 

In a perfect world, we would meet a great guy and he'd think we were just as great.   We would meet, fall in love, marry, have 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence.  We'd live life as Mr. and Mrs. Perfect, grow old together, play with our grandkids and great grandkids and then die at exactly the same time so neither of us would have to live without the other.  Well, and then we woke up.

Unfortunately, in the days where there really is only a 50-50 chance of a marriage working, we deal with the reality that the person we marry, may have children from a previous marriage(s)/relationship(s).  And of course, they also have to realize that they aren't exactly our opening act of the play either.  With every single parent comes the child and the other half of the chromosomes.  If you and this guy are planning to be together a while, you are going to have to come into contact with this woman at some time or another.

With children come birthday parties, graduations, weddings, funerals, sports games, dance recitals, phone calls from school, you get the picture.  Some things, like birthday parties you can get around  and each parent do one on separate days, but I doubt if they are going to have two weddings just to keep the peace.  Since the mother of that child is going to be a part of your life as long as that person's child is, you might as well get over it and get comfortable. The last thing the kids need to see is division in the house. Trust me that if the kids get a whiff of weakness, they will be all on it like cellulite and stretch marks on a flabby rump!

I have dated two men whose children lived at home with them.  When we started getting serious and the kids would be over all the time, I made it clear that their mothers could call and speak to their kids or check up on them with no problem out of me.  Of course, calling at 3am would be inappropriate but I wanted the mothers to be put at ease.  It is hard for a mother to let her child be with anyone she does not know.  WE are moms so we know first hand what she's feeling.  If they were coming to pick the kids up, I would invite them in, offer them something to eat or drink, and have a general conversation.  Chances are, you are having more interaction with the kids at your house than the dad because, well, its just what we do.  Women are nurturers by instinct and we ask questions.

Now I'm not saying that me and their moms were best pals, giving each other high fives at Starbucks, or having pillow fights in our underwear.  I'm saying, I treated them with the same respect that I would want, and treated their kids with the same rules and perks as I did my own.  Of course, this only works if both of you are willing to be mature adults.  She was his past and there is no changing that.  You weren't apart of it and it shouldn't be a problem for you.  Your concern should be moving forward and if you love that person, you should care about those who are presumably the most important people in his life right now, his children. 

My ex-husband has a wonderful girlfriend, Anna. When I send my kids from Missouri to Washington for the summer, I don't worry about if they are being neglected or mistreated.  She will call and update me, email me, text me, send pictures, have the kids call, anything I need to keep me from walking down the highway in a fit of panic and murderous rage.  I know she genuinely loves my children and treats them like she treats her own.  We have a mutual respect for each other as women, mothers, and people who have the best interest of my kids at heart.  Not all women are like that.  

You have to know yourself first.  If you aren't mature enough to handle the fact that your boyfriend has children from a previous relationship, then hold off.  I say that for two reasons: First, neither you, your boyfriend, or the mother of his child, need the drama; Second, if you come at the wrong one crazy, who also hasn't accepted the fact that her ex has a new woman, you may get hit in the head with a brick!  So hol' up swole up and take a step back.  Three main things that tear many relationships apart are money, sex, and kids.  Those are three problems you don't want to have when you enter a relationship.  Think for a second, how you would feel if a man was un-accepting of your kids or would start a fight every time their dad called or came to pick them up.  

I think we would all agree that this not a problem you want to have for the rest of your life.  Having kids is a lifetime commitment and not just for you.  If you can't handle it, don't waste your time or his because you will both end up hurt in the end as well as the kids.  Don't underestimate kids.  They know when you don't like them, especially when you got your face all stanked up at them!  That's right, I said stanked!  Kids internalize so much to be so little.  They always seem to think everything is about them and thusly every problem has to be caused by them.  I know sometimes we may want to shake them and say "Get over yourself Jr." but those are the facts. Hopefully we are all mature enough to realize they are not the problem and won't subject them to grown up problems.  God knows as soon as they hit 18, they get a birthday card and a box of bills and problems just like we did.

Secondly, don't push the issue.  Not all women are the same and not all women are mature.  Be the adult at all times.  If you put out kindness and its not returned, don't stoop to their level.  You can't change another person's actions. If she is something he has to deal with, and she causes him problems, don't add to the problems and don't try to be the problem solver.  You aren't Dr. Phil.  She may not want to reason with you.  However, you will make life easier and your relationship more enjoyable if you stay in your lane.  All you can do is extend the invitation for kindness, it up to the other person to accept.  Not the invitation to meet you in the front yard to hit her in the head with a brick either!  Sometimes the best help, is being supportive and not taking her actions personal.  You probably aren't the first new girlfriend she has come out of the bag with and if you start acting just as crazy, you won't be last.

I have an awesome step-mother.  I don't know all the behind the scenes working of what went on and I'm glad I don't.  She is supportive, and unless she's going for an academy award for best actress, she genuinely loves and cares for me and my siblings.  This is a woman who got out of the car in the snow and walked to find my law school graduation.  I have never known her to be rude to my mom or the mother of my younger two siblings.  Now I do know that at times, others did not extend the same respect. My mother is much the same way.  She is not interested in causing drama for my step-mom, and to my knowledge she never has.  I think by having these two examples, it shaped the way I approach other mothers and the possibility of being a step-mother.  You really don't want to be the wicked step-mother or you'll probably soon be the next ex-girlfriend/wife.

Lastly, your kids are watching. I watched my parents, listened even when I didn't want to.  I like to imitate people and have been quite good at it for as long as I can remember.  My kids are the same way.  I can't stress enough that we are the role models for our kids and their image of what an adult is.  Your son/daughter may grow up one day and have children with someone they don't stay with forever.  Someone may be the step-parent to your grandchild and your child may one day be the step-parent to someone else.  You don't want to be the "don't let this happen to you" example.  You don't want to see yourself being imitated by them as Grace Jones in Conan the Barbarian or Rocky.  You definitely don't ever want to be pegged as Mommy dearest.

If she is willing, meet her, let her feel comfortable calling to check on her children. Don't confuse this with people who like play games and use the kids as 007 secret agents.  Keep it business, you don't need to hear of your boyfriend's shortcomings from this lady.  That is disrespectful and none of her business.  The goal is and should always be the welfare of the children and the relationships formed with them.  The focus should not be "Jimmy needs a pair of shoes", "Frank won't send child support", "He cheated on me with Shirley."  You may think you want to know, but trust me you don't.  Some people like to play games and will set out to destroy your relationship.  They don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him either.  You will hear enough through the grapevine as it is.  Use some discretion and trust your instinct, you will know when there's a misfire and something just isn't right in the conversation.  That's your cue to politely end the conversation. 

Until next time, stay blessed and encouraged.

Mom Dressed to Impressed, Kids Dressed to Distress: Dealing with Outside Criticism.

Hello Moms,

Now this topic really burns my hide.  I was on Twitter the other night seeing what the world was saying about single parenting and ran across a comment by a young man.  He said something to effect of he can't stand to see single parents dressed to impress and their kids are looking all dirty.  I don't know the young man but did take the liberty to comment on the tweet. 

As single moms, as moms in general actually,  we take a lot of heat. People expect our kids to be picture perfect at all times of the day.  For some reason, society believes that single moms don't have the right to look nice, fix ourselves up, or doing anything for ourselves period.  They feel like every single dollar we have should go to our kids.  For some reason, they don't expect this of couples.  You would think, since there is two of them, there is an extra pair of hands and presumably and extra income, it would be less acceptable, but honey there is no mercy for Single Mom Sally!

With all that you have going on in your life, the last thing you need is some person, who probably has no idea what it means to raise a child, or what your day is like, giving opinions based on ignorance.  If they really knew, they would know that it is so rare that you actually do something for yourself that the only time they even noticed you was the one time you actually found the money or time to do it.  What sickens me more is the disdain for the mothers and not the absent fathers.  You are supposed to put everything you have into your child but the father has no obligation?  Last time I checked, I didn't make these babies by myself but yet I am supposed to get myself and children picture perfect every morning.

So what did I tell this young man?  I told him like I will tell anyone.  That child you see, dirty with the runny nose, does not have to go to work and keep the lights on.  Sometimes it is all a person can do to get up in the morning and get the kids off to school.  I don't like to criticize anyone's situation because you never know what is going on in their lives.  Some one could have given them those clothes, they may be preparing for a job interview, or they may finally take the time to do something for them.  I can tell you that most of what a single mom has is going to those children.

I don't even think he took time to consider that maybe the kid was properly dressed when he left the house and happened to get dirty outside.  I went to church last week and spent all morning getting the kids together because I knew we had to rush to another service afterwards and wouldn't have time to stop to change.  My 11-year-old son knew that as well but it didn't stop him from playing in the grass after church and getting his pants dirty.  i had to take him home to change anyway but during the 30min drive, he was looking like I found him under a bridge. 

The point is, life happens!  Parents, single parents or not, do not walk around with washing machines in their pocket.  There have been times when I have been shopping and left the diaper bag at home or in the car and, sure as shootin', that's when the baby decided to mess through her clothes.  I've had to buy emergency diapers and wipes and a change of clothes while out, and I've seen faces of others when I walk by and my baby is smelling like Lazarus when Jesus raised him from the dead.  Surely she stinketh, Lord!  There have also been times where we were running late and I only had time to comb one head, and if it was a day I had to go to work,it was my hair that got combed. Why?  Because I have to earn the living!  As I have said before, I can support my kids but they can't support me. But won't they talk about her at school?  No they will talk about me at her school. "I can't believe her mama sent her here like that!"  People will always talk so let them.

We get so worried about what everyone will think.  People who aren't doing it always have an opinion about what you should be doing.  People called me a bad mother for getting an education just as much as they called me a bad mother for being poor.  You can't please everybody.  You will make yourself crazy if you try and believe me, they will find something else to critique.  People love to talk about you because it makes their lives seem better.  Depending on what day you catch us, me, my kids, or all of us might be looking like we just walked out of a cardboard box.  I strike while the iron is hot.  If I have to go get something that I may have forgotten in my grocery list, I am not going to be wearing a suit to store, unless its my birthday suit lol, just kidding.  When I check the mail, I don't fix my hair or put the kids in top coat and tails.  We do what we can and give our best and on some days we fall short. Let him with perfect kids throw the first stone!

Regardless of what anyone says, you deserve something for yourself.  I'm not saying you need to starve the kids to get your hair and nails done once a week.  But, you do need to do something for yourself sometime.  I mean really.  I cook everyday of the week, cut my boys' hair myself, comb my girls' hair, and budget to the penny.  Every now and again I would like to do something for me.  We buy our kids school clothes that they will ruin before Christmas break, we go broke every holiday and birthday and won't even celebrate our own birthday, and go to work sick to save our sick days in case our children get sick and we need the time off.  Don't let a person make you feel guilty the one day you get to do something for yourself. 

As quiet as its kept, you are going to make yourself feel guilty enough thinking about how you should have paid a bill or took the kids out with the money you spent to buy that outfit and get your hair done.  You carry enough guilt as it is, and you really don't need someone else trying to lay it on real thick.  Funny how the ones doing the criticizing are always bringing you problems but never offering any solutions.  I remember when I graduated from undergrad, I was working two jobs and taking 18 hours my final semester to graduate early.  My washing machine had also broke down the week before graduation and it took two weeks to get the repair man out.  It was December,  it was cold and I had finals up until the day before graduation.  With the three kids I had at the time, and myself, my laundry built up pretty fast. 

By the time graduation day came, I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I didn't even feel like going through the formalities of graduation,  but all of my family had come to see me graduate from college.  I worked up until the day of graduation as well, because of course, Christmas was right around the corner.  My house was a shamble, baby the only place you would have seen more clothes is on the fitting room floor at Target.   I had to be at the graduation well before any of my family.  My kids were with my mom and most of my family was staying at her house.  Well what was the most important day of my life at the time, was completely ruined by family members criticizing rather than congratulating.  I was heartbroken and furious.  They had been there one day and made a judgment about me and my entire life without knowing anything about what I had been through to get to that day. 

Worst of all, they called me a bad mother.  I had earned two Bachelor's degrees in 2 1/2 year and made myself so sick by taking 18 hours a semester, even in the summer, to the point that after I graduated, I kept fainting randomly and had to be hospitalized.  The fatigue and stress had caught up with me from school and working two jobs.  Why?  Because I was living in the projects and I needed to get out of a place where people smoked crack in the parking lot and I wanted something better for my children.  I needed to be able to get a real job because that year in the projects was more than enough for me.

I knows what its like Ms. Celie!  That day, my happiness was stolen and stripped from me.  It wasn't because my family didn't love me, it was because they did not know and did not take the time to find out.  Other than my mom, brother, and cousin, no one offered to help either.  Yes there were days were my kids were ashy, maybe even had on mismatched socks and uncombed hair.  However, there were more days where I went without lunch because my kids had a field trip that took my last $10,  or I had to learn to change my own spark plugs and wires because I needed to buy shoes for three kids and couldn't afford to pay someone else to do it.  I didn't feel obligated to justify my actions to anyone and I didn't.  I still don't and you don't either. You know and God knows all that you are going through and that is what matters.

Listen, if they have a problem with your kids having a snotty nose, they can just as easily grab a tissue and offer it to you or wipe the kids nose themselves.  If the funky diaper is bothering them that much, they are more than welcome to grab the diaper and wipes and change the baby.  Is it their job? No, but since they are so interested in how you are doing yours, maybe they should lead by example and show you how its done!  People need to stay in their own lane.  I thank God for my mother because if she comes over and sees that the baby needs a new diaper, she will say "bring me a diaper and wipes" or she will offer to take the kids so I can get a break and clean the house.  Everyone doesn't have that.  She never brings up a problem, without first thinking of and offering a solution.  The cowards at the grocery store will have their opinions and rather than offering some help, will talk about you like you had a tail.

Until next time, stay encouraged and be blessed!