Hello Moms,
Well we are almost to the end of our Dating as A Single Mom series. Two more topics after today. If one of you can avoid dating another undeserving scoundrel who means you nothing good, then I can go through life happy. Lord knows I have met my loser quota and I am sure most of you have too.
Forgive me for writing this at such a late hour but this cold is wearing me out! Just as a side note, for single moms like me who can't afford to be sick, it is time to take better care of our bodies. We'll talk more about that down the road once I lead by example lol.
So dating, lets get started. We now know that us paying for the date is not an option. Put your liberated wallet back in your purse! The question often is, how do you date as a single mom? - Where do you find the time? Do you let him pick you up at your house? What if I'm newly divorced and haven't dated in a while? Whew! Ladies, don't we have a lot of questions?
I believe in dating with purpose. You are going out to have a good time, but at the same time, you don't want to have your time wasted. Listen ladies, men have been setting goals for dates for years and we are so behind the times. Fortunately for us, the man's goal hasn't evolved much. It is still mainly to get you into bed. That's no surprise to anyone. We have to set our own goals and pursue it as diligently as they attempt to pursue theirs. If you are looking for something long term, then you need to have in your mind that the bedroom is not your first priority. Believe it or not, the fire doesn't burn forever and you have to have something to talk about when the lights come on and the moment has passed. We'll come back to this later, but first things first, our single mom checklist!
1. Date Your Girlfriends - This includes, your other single mom pals, sisters, cousins, mom, church friends, etc. Now I don't mean to put the mack down on these ladies; what I mean is to get used to being around people you are comfortable with who are adults. I have some fabulous gal pals that I have lunch with and some I meet up with every few weeks on a Saturday night for dinner. They are also brutally honest and will tell me if I have stopped eating and started grazing and to scale it back a notch.
A lot of your date is going to be conversation over a meal. We get so wrapped up in our world that we forget that our dinner party has consisted of those who order from the children's menu. The conversation is a lot different and he doesn't need you to cut up his meat or chew his food for him. He wants to date you, not his mother (unless he's a sad sick pervert). Going out with other ladies gets you in the habit of engaging in topics with other adults beyond just what happened on Spongebob. It also provides a very good support network for us single moms who seem to always feel we are alone, unloved, and abandoned.
Get involved in something at church or at work. The benefit of getting involved with church meetings is that, the majority of the time, you can bring your kids and shuffle them off to the nursery or there will be other kids from church they can play with. Usually work committees meet during work hours and the kids are already at school or daycare during that time. Get involved with your daycare. I was the chair of the head start parent policy council for two terms and I traveled, went to monthly meetings and trainings, and most of the time was given dinner at the meetings and a stipend to pay for childcare, if it wasn't provided. Whatever you do, interact with other adults and remember, although we love our children, they can't live with us forever.
3. When do I find time to date? - For those of us with too many irons in the fire as it is, where do find time to spend on a date? A date doesn't have to be an all day event. I have found that lunch dates can be your best friend. Depending on how much time you get for lunch, this may or may not be a feasible option. I always worked jobs with an hour for lunch and worked right downtown where the eating selection was great. But what if you don't have an hour or what if you work on different ends of town? Pick a location in the middle. It doesn't have to be fancy but don't let it be McDonald's either, you get enough Happy Meals with the kids. I love lunch dates because if the date is good, it leaves you wanting to spend more time with him, and if the date is bad, although you will never get that 45 minutes of your life back, at least you didn't have to spend hours finding ways to ditch the beast.
Breakfast dates are also an alternative. Some people aren't breakfast eaters and most of us are racing to work after dropping of the kids, so its not always doable but its something to keep in your back pocket if you have a day off during the week. I love lunch dates when he has to get back to work but I don't. As far as dinner, if you can get a sitter then go for it, but don't get saddled with making dinner. The single mom predators are good for this one. They know you cook everday anyway and will suggest you cooking dinner. Listen, if you marry this clown you'll be cooking him dinner for many years to come so there is no rush to put on your chef hat right now. I'll get into the safety reasons a little later, but a date should be an opportunity for you to get a break, not an opportunity for you to fix another plate.
4. Whose car are we taking? - Even though gas cost a kidney right now,I recommend taking separate cars. The last thing you want to do is be stranded or responsible for taking someone home if the date didn't go well. It is also best to meet in a public place. I do not recommend meeting at his house or at your house. Trust me, there are some people that you don't want knowing where you live. Suppose the date goes better in his mind than it does in yours and all of a sudden this creep is popping up at your house around your children? Meet at a restaurant that is open and park where it is crowded. As a single parent, sometimes you are the only dependable parent your child has and your safety should be of the utmost importance for that reason alone.
Now if you don't have a car, I recommend taking a cab. If you just have to be picked up, have him pick you up somewhere other than your home or office, preferably a public place and ALWAYS, have enough cash to pay for your meal or call a cab to bring you home. If he does not have a car, he is not a headache that you need. You are already a taxi for your kids and their events, you don't need to lug this guy around like a diaper bag. If his car is in the shop, reschedule to a day when it is not in the shop. Remember, the goal is to add value to your life, not diminish your value and overextend yourself. Just like he doesn't want to date his mother, you don't want to date your son either. Even if you don't have a car, don't date the man who does not have a car, there is no romance meeting on the bus, unless you live in a large city, like New York, where the public transportation is the main form of transportation. Kansas City, is not that city.
5. Where Are You Going? - ALWAYS let someone know where you are going and who you are going with. I know you don't want everyone in your business, but you will if this crazy man done hit you in the head with a brick and left outside the Olive Garden. If you're going to lunch, let a co-worker buddy know. If the plans, change, call and let them know that as well. This is also the benefit of taking your own car, you don't have to give them the man's make and model of his car, the VIN number, lien holder, etc.
6. Where Can You Be Reached? - Take your car charger with you, make sure your phone is fully charged. These sound like no brainers but you would be surprised how often we get busy and forget. The last thing you need is to be stranded and no way to call the police or anyone else. If you are a single mom without a cell phone, that should be a top priority.
7. What do you do on a date? - A lot of this is a matter of preference. I like to get to know a person. Conversation is very important to me. If you can't hold up your end of the conversation, unless I'm not looking for more than a "good time", it is going to make for a long and boring date. If the only sentence he can put together is 15-life, get rid of him. You want to know that you can talk to this person about anything, and if you can't find something of interest to talk about on the date, then you're wasting your time.
Observation is also key. Now sometimes I have the tact of a jack hammer when I'm observing, but I'm working on it. Look at the way he eats, is that something you want across from you at the dinner table every night. Think about it, when you go on a date you put your best foot forward. If this guy's best is eating out of the pig trough, then its not exactly what you want introduce to the world to at your engagement dinner. Also, check out his hygiene. Did he wash his hands when he left the bathroom? If not, do you really want him holding your hands or touching your face after he shifted his bojangles and didn't wash his hands. Are those the hands you want feeding you desert? Does he brush his teeth or will you taste his last seven meals when you kiss him goodnight?
If this is his best, you have to imagine on a daily basis, he's at least a little worse. Don't believe me? How much time do you spend getting ready for a date vs. just going to work or going to Wal-Mart? You probably aren't out on the date with your feet looking like hoofs/hooves even though that's what they looked like last Tuesday. Baby, don't be deceived, the neatly packaged guy is not the guy you will see six months from now. If his best is a funky hot mess, you have to decide if that is something you want looking at you for an extended period of time. Same goes for his conversation and attitude. If these are his best manners, it is not getting better from here.
8. How many drinks should I have? - Know your limits. I recommend no alcohol, especially if you are not a drinker. I also don't recommend it for lunch dates period when you have to go back to work. Alcohol can make a date go bad for many reasons. If you are person who can't handle liquor and you act a fool, your date is over and that guy will run for the nearest exit. Also, if someone slips you something, it is a lot easier to identify if you are having iced tea or diet coke, rather than long island iced tea or rum and coke. If you do have too much to drink, do you trust this stranger to get you home unscathed. Again, its a matter of preference. Most likely you are going to be returning home to your kids that night, and assuming they don't normally see you with one stocking up and one stocking down, you don't want some stranger bringing you in drunk.
8. Should sex be on the table? - Only if the bed is unavailable. HA I'm kidding! Now presumably, we are all grown women here and that choice is up to you. For me, I say "no" for a couple reasons. First, remember my ever so friendly uterus, and being as though for us single moms, this isn't our first time at the rodeo, we don't want any surprises in six weeks. Second reason is that if you are looking for something long term, there is plenty of time for that when you are ready to take that step. My dad used to tell me that relationships that start in the bed never get off the ground. You don't want the basis of your relationship being sex, especially if you have already been in that type of relationship before. Remember, the lights have to come on sometime. I don't care how much of dynamo this man is in the bed, you have to come out of the sack sooner or later. It is better to know that you can tolerate this man with his clothes on before you even go there.
But hey if you decide that is something you want to do, please be cautious and protect yourself. Take some condoms with you and if you don't have your umbrella don't step out in the rain! You don't want to sleep with this guy, get pregnant, and before the baby is even born you can't stand the sight of his face. You can almost guarantee your baby will pop out looking just like him, well unless you got some 'splainin to do, Lucy.
Whatever you do, don't let yourself be pressured into having sex with anyone. Just because your uterus may be friendly doesn't mean your body is the Motel 6 where the light is always on. Let the choice to be intimate be your choice. Don't ever feel like you owe somebody sex. If your body is not worth more than a meal, you don't need to head out on a date just yet. I don't care if you ordered everything on the menu but a thank you, there is never an obligation to sleep with someone for some surf & turf. Trust me, I've had men get huffy because I ordered desert and I let them know if dating a fat girl ain't in their budget, then they asked out the wrong girl. I don't have the body of one who orders a salad, I have the body of one who orders desert!
Most importantly, remember to have fun on your date. This is not the only date you will go on and you can always throw that fish right back into the sea where you found him. Keep your options open and don't just take the first guy that comes along.
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