Hello Moms!
As usual, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I know this week I was supposed to hit on finances and I's gettin to it, but today a good friend of mine pointed out something very important that I left out from the Dating as a Single Mom series. I've talked about paying for dates, going on dates, safety, kids, and even how to cut the guy loose. I neglected to tell you what to do after its over.
One thing everyone fails to mention when giving relationship advice is that, once you get rid of that scum bag, you get rid of his good qualities and the conveniences having a mate brings, even if it is a crappy mate. Now the last relationship I was in, the guy was a funky hot mess. He was verbally abusive and in the last days got crazy enough to be physically abusive...may God rest his soul. Lol just kidding, he's still breathing. But he also mowed the grass every week, cleaned the gutters, paid some bills, took out the trash, and paid for dinner. At times, he would even do laundry and cook. Despite his horrible disposition, there are other perks that I miss from the relationship.
I say that to say this, no matter what the reasons were for getting out the relationship, every jerk, wacko, crazy, and every loser has some attractive qualities. Something attracted you to him in the first place. I have a feeling when he walked by, your first thoughts weren't "wow, he looks like a big psycho lunatic jerk, with bad credit, who will treat me really bad and cheat on me. I wonder what he's doing for dinner tonight." It is normal to grieve a relationship, even a bad one. Trust me, now that Spring is finally here and I'm mowing my own grass again after shoveling snow this winter and paying for my own meals, even I entertained the thought one time or another of getting back with that two timing, thieving loser, that treated me like crap. One thing I have to remind myself of is that, having my grass cut is not worth having my self esteem cut.
There is a reason you let that person go. Maybe he was mean, a cheater, or maybe something just didn't feel right. Whatever the reason, you can't go second guessing yourself every time you feel the pain of being alone again. Trust me you will go through a range of emotions. One minute, dropping that man like a sack of potatoes seems like the best decision you ever made, and sometimes it is, but it doesn't mean in the same breath you won't feel like you made a mistake. Regardless of why, you are back to feeling alone again. You are probably disappointed in yourself, your ex, men in general, God, etc. There is always that "why me" moment where you play over in your mind repeatedly that there is something about you that can't make a relationship work.
This is a lie we tell ourselves relationship after relationship. No matter whose fault it is, or if it just wasn't right for either of you, something inside you won't believe that there isn't something you could have done to avoid being in this position again. Every guy you meet and date will not be the one. I had to stop looking for every guy to be "the one" and starting thinking as every date as "the one" taking me to dinner that night. I don't believe you have to sleep with someone to date them so there is no harm in dating more than one person, so long as you are both being honest about it. I enjoy being taken out and treated like a lady. I enjoy when a man shows an interest in my kids. I also enjoy having a person help take some of the load off. I can do that without investing all my emotions into one person until I know this person is genuine and not just good at keeping up a front.
So in the mean time, how do we survive the current crisis?
1. Feel free to grieve - Let yourself feel and endure the process. You are not going to get over this in one night. Be thankful for the season that you had in the relationship and the good things you shared with that person. At least for some period of time you got a break and that has to be worth something. Put on some mom jeans and eat ice cream for a few days if you have to. Cry if you need to but don't try to bury your feelings or pretend its not happening.
2. Lean on your friends - believe it or not, you are not the only one who has ever felt this way. Get some support from someone you can count on to keep you from going back to an unhealthy environment. Not necessarily the "I told you so friend" but the friend who can pull up some ice cream and a shopping cart and help you plow through it.
3. Stick to your guns - Time is going to pass and your hormones are going to be up and down like a clown at a rodeo. If the only thing that has changed in the situation is that you've both gotten older, going back to the relationship won't change the issues you had. You made the right decision for you and you will get through this. It doesn't seem like it all the time, but when you feel that way, that's the time to call your friends and get out of the house.
4. Get a life - Fill your time. Right before I finished law school, I broke off an engagement. I was hurt and the jerk stole my class notes just before finals. That could have torn me down and ruined what was one of the best days of my life. Fortunately, I had to scramble to redo my outlines and prepare for exams so I could graduate. I also had to study for the bar. I didn't have time to be bitter and I didn't have time to wallow in the fact that I had to give back a three carat engagement ring that I came to view as a diamond covered shackle. I had to get up and get on with the rest of my life.
Now maybe you don't have anything as extreme as the bar but you have work, kids, and other activities that you had before your ex came into your life. Get back to those things and everything that made you happy to begin with. Until next time, be blessed and always feel free to drop me a line when you need to a push to move on.
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