Hello Moms,
Well we've made it to the last part of the Dating as a Single Mom series. Welcome! One thing we fail to consider sometimes is that even the best beginnings don't always have the happiest of endings. Why is it that once we get into a relationship we start doubting ourselves and our instincts? We see all the signs but for some reason believe that if we wait it out it will get better. How many times of we done this? Six months into the relationship we see that things are going downhill, something is off, we ignore it and expect that it will get better and six years later the only thing that has changed is that we have gotten six years older. We sit around regretting that we have wasted so much time on something we knew wasn't right for us six months into it.
As women, we are instinctive by nature. We can tell when our kids are lying, we can tell when they are sick, we know when something is just not right. But with relationships, despite our past experiences with men, we always doubt ourselves. I honestly believe we go through things for a reason. If my past does nothing but help one person avoid the same pain, then I have gone through it for good reason. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. My experiences have made me stronger, put me in the position to give hope to others going through the same trials, and has made my victories so much sweeter. Your life and your experiences can have the same effect. When we pay attention to and learn from our mistakes, we can avoid the same pitfalls.
As single moms, time is not something we have a lot of to give. Wasting time in bad relationships takes away time we could spend in happy healthy relationships. Did you ever stop to think that the right person, the person who is waiting to love you and treat you with love and respect, could be passing you by while you are waiting for the wrong person to change? He's obviously to respectful to force you to leave someone or intrude on your current relationship. He respects your mind and your opinion so he's not going to be the one to tell you how wrong you are for being with someone who isn't worth your time. Most importantly, he wants to see you happy even if its not with him. This is that nice guy who always finishes last. By the time we get out of that relationship that is bringing us down, we are so emotionally damaged that we aren't ready to let anyone in or the one who was once waiting has cut his losses and moved on to someone else.
So what do we do and how do we know when to get out?
1. Trust your gut -If something feels off, pay attention to it. Sometimes there is a level of consistency with former relationships and warning signs that we suppress. We doubt ourselves, think we're just crazy, and figure we will give it more time. Ten years later you realize you were right. Save yourself the time, and if it doesn't feel right, take a break from it. Better to err on the side of caution than to loose so much time and live with the regret. Many times you will find that you were right.
2. Ask Questions - We shy away from asking questions because we don't want to look pushy, distrusting, insecure, obsessive, or do anything to scare him off. This a big mistake. I believe in communication and clarity. If something isn't right I will bring it up. I have had men say "Why are you interrogating me?" "Why would I cheat on you?" and I'm sitting there thinking "Why won't you answer the question?"I let someone answer and accept the answer that they give. However, down the line, if they are lying, the story will contradict itself. They don't usually remember the last lie they told you even though you do. Maybe its the lawyer or the former probation/parole officer in me that makes me so inquisitive but I will verify information if something doesn't add up. I know its not a credit application but me and my kids lives are hanging in the balance and I deserve the truth. Am I going to sit in the bushes, put a tracking device in their belt buckle, or follow them to work? Probably not, but if things aren't adding up, I'm not going to wait for a full audit before I let him go.
This man is an adult and does not have to lie to you. Chances are he's not under arrest, his life is not in danger, hopefully lol. Lying is a choice. Funny how he can tell you how fat you look in that dress but can't tell you where he was Friday night when you guys were supposed to go out. If he'll lie to me about something small, I can't expect him to be very forthcoming about the fact that he's married with three kids and a dog. I'm not saying you should start your relationship asking everything but the last four of his social and his mother's maiden name, but I am saying if things start to feel wrong or you have reason to believe something is wrong and you are in a relationship with this person, don't be afraid to ask questions and talk to him about it.
3. Don't let anyone make you think you are crazy - Have you ever caught someone doing something and all of a sudden they make it seem like you are crazy as a pet loon and you've done something wrong? That's not the saddest part, the sad part is many times we believe it. They will have you doubting your very senses. That Jedi mind trick is a mess! Baby if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, there's a slight chance it may be a goose, but 9/10 its a duck!
4. Time will age a person but it won't change them - If a person starts getting nasty with you in a relationship and they all of a sudden aren't the same person they were when you met them, they have been that mean nasty person all along and you are just getting to meet the real them. A person can only keep up a front for so long. Don't sit around waiting for him to miraculously change back. If they do, it will only be temporary, to quiet you down or get your back. When they promise its going to be different this time you have to ask yourself, what has changed besides your ages and your waistlines that will make things different?
Its like sucking in your stomach to zip up some jeans that are too small, you can only hold it in for so long. Unless you make some changes to your diet or lifestyle, your body won't magically start fitting those pants. I know we will put those pants away for five years in hope that we will loose the weight and squeeze into them but just like we have to face the fact that we aren't getting into those jeans, we have to face the fact that waiting five years won't make that man squeeze into the image you had of him before.
Don't procrastinate with ending bad relationships. It doesn't take that long to realize that the situation you are in is not what you want for the rest of your life. Now everyday is not going to be a good day in any relationship but the good days should definitely outweigh the bad. Relationships are work and you shouldn't be only employee on the job. You can be miserable alone and its better to be alone than to be in a relationship with someone and all by yourself. Stay Blessed!
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