Hello Moms,
Well today's topic is very sensitive. It is difficult to discuss discipline. As our child's first teacher, it is our job to correct our children and teach them right from wrong. We are preparing our children for life as adults. Their first line of authority is us as parents, then teachers, then employers and the law. But we want to make sure we are sending the right message. Remember they will most likely become parents themselves and we don't want to be the example of what not to do. Any method of discipline we choose should always be done in love to correct wrong behavior and never done in anger, embarrassment, or spite.
How we discipline our children depends on the child. Being a mom is almost like being a psychiatrist. Every child has their own personality. What works for one may not work for the other. For some kids, a spanking is nothing. They can do what they want and the spanking will last a few minutes and its on to the next activity. For some the thought of a spanking is enough to deter them from misbehaving. I honestly do not believe spanking is the catch all form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and I guess some could say it was effective, but I was never in much trouble to begin with. But to me, the fact that I had disappointed my parents or would have to hear a lecture was enough deterrence.
Being that I was spanked as a child, when my children were younger, my first instinct was also to spank. However, my kids are not me. Kids are more advanced these days. I have learned that with my own children, spanking is not always effective. It is definitely not effective if they do not know and understand why they are being spanked in the first place. I also learned that it encourages them to hit each other to settle their own disagreements. I remember popping my daughter on the hand once as toddler and she hit me back. At first I was upset and ready to beat her like a stranger, but then I realized she just mimicked the action she was taught just like patty cake, feeding herself, and everything else I had taught her to that point. That isn't the message I want to send. If you are going to resort to spanking, let it be the last resort.
If you grew up getting spankings or you spank your children, I'm not saying you are bad parents or your parents were. I don't raise your kids so its not my job or place to tell you how to raise them. I can guarantee that I'm not going to be one called if they are acting up in school, I am not buying their clothes or food, and I don't know your children. I am simply giving out some other options that you can choose to try or not try. Spanking takes a lot out of the person doing the spankings as well! Its a lot of wear and tear on the back and shoulders so if there's an easier method, isn't it worth giving it a try?
What are the alternatives?
1. Lead by example - Believe it or not, your children are watching you. They critique everything you do and every move you make. We can't live by the "do as I say and not as I do" motto, especially when what you are doing looks like much more fun. If you want your kids to go to school and get an education, go get one. If you don't want them drinking and smoking, don't bring that around your kids. If they pick up bad habits, don't let your home be the place where they pick them up. Have I always been the shining example for my children? NO, I have not. But when they call me on it, I have to get it in check. If they can see it, so can someone else. Teaching them starts with me. I am grateful that my children watched me go through school. They don't even have it in their mind that college is optional. They think everybody does it. You are that example for your child, and not the example for don't end up like me. Your life is their example, as scary as that sounds. Everything may not have been as good as you planned it, but you are the example that they can handle everything that life throws their way. You are so strong and they can see that. They know you are the one they can depend on.
2. Talk to your children -Our kids are a lot smarter than we think. They are capable of understanding when you speak to them. Have a conversation with them. Sometimes there is more under the surface than you might realize. Its not always the case, but its worth looking into. Kids have things on their minds too. Guess what, we aren't the only ones with emotions. I remember my daughter brought home a D in math and I was furious. Being the Joe Jackson of education that I am, I couldn't believe it! When I met with her teacher at parent-teacher conference, I wanted to find out what the problem was. My daughter didn't know her multiplication table. The teacher said she also wasn't paying attention during class. They were doing division and she was struggling. When they did math she would do something else, clean her desk, draw, etc. Math is cumulative and because she hadn't mastered the basics, she couldn't move forward.
I didn't exactly know what to do at first. I knew that even if I slapped her into next Tuesday, it wouldn't make her any better at math. My kids usually read for an hour after school, which also gives me an hour to cook dinner without interruptions. So for the 15 minutes I would set the timer and they would write out the multiplication table from memory. Once they could do it in 15, I reduced the time to 12 minutes. It not only helped her master her multiplication facts, it also helped her focus. She was so proud of herself when she was able to get it done in 12 minutes! It gave her more confidence and eliminated the problem and the next quarter she had a B in math.
I know we're all pressed for time, but make some time to talk to them and see if perhaps something else may be the problem. Trust me, her teacher wasn't the first person to tell me she didn't understand her multiplication facts; my daughter was and I didn't address it until it became a big problem.
3. If they have something to lose, you have something to use - I learned this being a probation/parole officer in a course called Verbal Judo. I'll be the first to tell you that when I heard it,it sounded like a load of malarkey. Your kids enjoy their luxuries - cable, computer, Wii, bikes, going outside to play. Hit em where it hurts and not on booty all the time. I'll take some things away in a minute. If you don't have time to do your chores, you don't have time to watch TV. Can't concentrate on your homework, son? Maybe you're too distracted with the computer and the Wii, let me help you out. Listen, the law works the same way. When you get caught speeding, they hit your pocket book with fines, increase in insurance rates, court, etc. If you still can't play nice in society, they lock you up. The judge isn't going to slap you with a belt, he hits you by taking away what you enjoy, money, freedom, ability to spend time with family and friends. If it can keep you in line and you're grown, try it with your kids.
4. Let them pick their punishment - Give this a try because most of the time, they will pick something worse than you could have thought of. This only works if you will actually follow through.
5. Be firm, fair, and consistent - Let your kids know what you expect and what the consequences are if they break the rules. They aren't Jesus and they don't walk on water. They will make mistakes. When they do, follow through with the consequence. If you can't keep your word, don't think they will keep theirs. Kids aren't dumb. If they got away with it, they will try it again. Kids always try to push the envelope to see exactly what it is they can and cannot do. I don't know how many times I have told my kids "If I have to tell you one more time!" The already know they have at least one more time to do it before something might happen. Big mistake! Let them know what the deal is and stick with it, otherwise don't put it out there. It ruins your credibility. If I ask you to borrow $100 until Tuesday and when Tuesday comes I don't pay you. Instead, I ask to borrow another $100, will you lend it to me? Most likely no, you will say that I didn't pay you back the last time. Kids are the same way, after all you raised them, didn't you?
None of these methods are going to be perfect every time. Raising kids is never predictable and not the same for every parent and every child. We do our best and pray they come out right. You have to find out what works best for your kids. I hope this helps and makes it easier for you! Be encouraged!
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