Thursday, August 4, 2011

Keep Your House a Home - Don't Let Him Move in With You: Dating as A Single Mom - Part 5

Hello Moms,

WOW! You don't know how glad I was for last week to be over.  It started pretty good but I was sick and some monkey wrenches were thrown in my plans.  Since I graduated from law school and took the bar exam, I have been trying to resuscitate my old life and get back to the things I used to do before law school took over my entire existence. Sometimes it's more overwhelming to get back into the habit of doing something you were once familiar with than it is to try something new.  Something in us thinks that since we did it so well before, it should be easy for us to do it again.  If you don't believe me, try asking grandparents raising their grandchildren after all their kids are grown.  Trust me getting back on that bike is harder than it sounds, especially when neither the person nor the bike is in the condition it used to be.

So what does this have to do with dating? I'm getting to it, don't rush me!  Well somehow we have learned to live without someone leaving the seat up or missing toilet completely when they used the bathroom.  My boys may miss but they know better than to leave that seat up!  We have learned to do a lot of things by ourselves without the dreaded obligation of shared governance. With that being said, lets get started. 

Welcome to Part 5 of the Dating as a Single Mom Series.  One more left and then we move on to some other topics.  Something strange happens to single moms - somebody always wants to move in with you.  They never want you and your kids to move in with them, they always want to move into your house.  Sometimes, they don't even ask, you just wake up one day and realize some low life and his children have infiltrated your house.  It will be all you can do not to push him from a moving vehicle once you realize that your house is no longer your home.

Guard your house like its Fort Knox.  Do not let some man move into your home.  Now listen to what I am saying because I'm not talking about relationships and the way couples move in together on TV.  If we were on Friends, we would have known this great guy our whole lives, fallen in love with him, dated him for a few years, and then made a mutual decision to move in together.  I don't know about you ladies but this is not the way it happened for me. What happened was that I starting sleeping with someone and one day they didn't go home.  Funny all his clothes and his kids ended up there, they ate all my food, but his money never made it over.  I was still paying all the bills and rent and buying all the groceries.  When it was all over, my house was a shamble, I was up to my ears in bills, and my fridge was empty.  I would slap my old self right now just thinking about it if my current self wouldn't feel it and slap me back.  That's a whole different Dr. Phil.

I like lists so here are the top five reasons you should not let a man move in with you:

1.You have kids - Now I know this isn't late breaking news on Oprah that you have children.  Your children need and deserve consistency.  Unless you are marrying this guy, you don't want to put kids through the hassle of living with a variety of men over their lifetime.  I am guilty of this and each time it has had an adverse effect on my kids.  The kids don't need to watch us play house and believe me when I say they are watching.  Believe it or not, kids have opinions and if you're courageous enough to let them voice them, sometimes you will see they are picking up on things you don't think they are.  Believe me, if they can see it, so can someone else.  Every time one of your live-ins move out, they don't just take a piece of you with them, they also take a piece of your child whether the kids liked them or not.  Don't make them endure any more U-Haul trucks than they have to.

Additionally, if the other person has children, they form bonds with those children, sometimes deeper than the ones you may have formed with them.  You may be able to cut your losses with his kids but your kids may not see it the same way.

2. One person's trash is another person's treasure - I have learned over the years that people don't always value your things the way that you do.  I remember when I bought my house.  I loved my house and I was so proud of it.  I bought all new furniture and I was finally giving my children the home they deserved.  I lived in the projects the last two years I was in undergraduate school and worked two jobs to get out.  I cleaned up my credit and believe me that was no easy task, and I worked hard to buy my own home.  My ex hadn't worked for anything in his life.  He lived at home with his grandparents and he and his kids moved in my house and I watched it turn to the projects in a matter of months.  There are so many premature repairs needed on my house to this day, not to mention my beautiful new furniture that soon began to look like something that should be sitting on a curb.  It would be one thing if my kids had torn up my home but someone else and his children treated my house like a roach motel.  I expect kids to be kids and things are going to get broken, that's a part of life.  I did not expect it from a grown man who simply did not care.

Sadly, this man had been my friend for years before we became a couple and had watched me struggle to get out of the projects and buy my own home.  Its not as though he was ignorant to what I had to go through to get where I was.  I'm not saying every man is like that guy but you have to know that another person does not have the same stake in your property that you do.  Just because you looked at 17 houses before you found the perfect house with pink room for your little girl doesn't mean that he shares your sentiment.

3. It's easier to get him in than it is to get him out - You would think that by owning a home, you could throw someone out of it.  WRONG.  Renters have a better shot at this than homeowners.  If you're renting and Boudro is not on the lease, the police can make him leave.  If you own your home and he's established residency by receiving mail there or staying longer than he should, you have to legally evict him from your home through the courts.  You want to talk about a funky hot mess, wait until you decide you don't want to be with him any more and want him to leave.  He says no and you call the police.  The police will look you in the face and tell you that he lives there and you can't make him leave and neither can they.  You can waive your independent woman deed to your property all you want and they will tell you that you have to evict him through the courts.  The only other way to get him out, short of setting fire to the bed is through an order of protection.  Sometimes it's easier to get a kidney transplant from the donor list than it is to get an order of protection.  

4. Its cheaper to lease than to own - Just because a person moves in with you doesn't mean they are going to contribute.  He can say that he's going to help but how many times have we be burned with that line before?  You are the one responsible for your home, and if he doesn't keep his word you are the one responsible for the bills.  I hear it all to often that a woman let a man move in, drive her car, etc. and surprise surprise, he didn't keep his promises and she got saddled with a bunch of debt and she got evicted and her credit ruined.  The loser she was with was on to the next victim before the bed got cold.  Anything done in your house leaves the burden on you and you so don't need that.

There is nothing wrong with dating a person, maintaining separate finances, and separate residences.  Because you have children, you have a lot more to lose and a greater interest to protect.  You not only have to look out for your financial security but for that of your children as well.  You can support them but they can't support you.  If you ever fly on an airplane, the flight attendant says "If you are flying with children, in the event of an emergency, they oxygen mask will drop from the area above the seat.  First place the mask over yourself and then over your child."  I used to think this was nuts. Why wouldn't I give my baby the oxygen first?  Because I can save her life but she can't save mine.  If he's not buying the cow and assuming the legal responsibilities and obligations, he doesn't need to be moving in.  Now is there a guarantee he won't give you the shaft, if you marry him and he's your husband, no, sorry there is not.  However, it is less likely, and at least he is also on the hook for the debt.

5.You can't put a price on peace of mind - Living with another person is work.  I don't know why people think that moving in together makes things easier.  Not for us.  We are really inheriting another child.  That is an extra meal you have to cook, more laundry to do, and now you have another person to consult with before you make a decision.  At least kids become somewhat self sufficient after a certain age.  But men, not so much.  If they are hungry and you are home, they come in asking when you're going to cook.  The fact that you're busy is irrelevant.  Those refined pallets of theirs seem to reject the Ramen Noodles and cereal we'd subject the kids to if necessary.

When you don't want to be bothered with that person, they are right there in your face.  You no longer have a place of retreat when you need some head space from the relationship.  Its almost as if the enemy has infiltrated your camp.  The way you like things may not be the way he likes things.  You may also have a very different idea about finances and the definition of clean. 

You can nag your kids and make them pick up their toys, dirty underwear, and even punish them if they don't do it right.  A grown man is not as receptive. You would think as mature adults they would be, but please, don't let the smooth taste fool ya!  Every man wants a clean house but he doesn't want to be the one to clean it.  Every man wants a home cooked meal but doesn't want to cook it.  Just like every man wants an independent woman but also wants her to still cook and clean after she gets home from work. 

Look we are not Claire Huxtable.  I always wanted to be her but she is pure fiction.  What gorgeous attorney with great hair is married to an ob/gyn, has five gorgeous children who never have a hair out of place, an absolutely clean house with no maid, and is home by the time the kids get home to cook dinner and listen to jazz?  I could push Bill Cosby into moving traffic for giving me this delusion.  Now for me, it gave me a drive to be something better and by God if I didn't get that law degree.  However, my four beautiful children are not always put together, my house is not always clean, my ob/gyn isn't the least bit interested though I'm sure she'd be very flattered, and when I'm cooking, there is no time for slow dancing to jazz when the kids have homework and have to be fed and bathed by 9pm.

The point is, with all you have going on, if this person is not all in, don't move him in.  Playing house takes a lot of work and you would be surprised how soon that potential "I do" turns into an "I don't think so".  It is my own opinion that while you are dating a person, you should keep your life your own.  It is ok to share your life with them but until, the wedding bells ring, don't throw yourself in that arena until you are legally obligated to do so and you can start the process together.  Of course each person has to do what is right for them and move in their own timing, but in any event, make sure the choice is mutual, you have talked about it at great length and by all means make sure you have an agreement as to how the finances are going to be divided or handled.  You do not need a moocher or roommate who sticks you with all the bills. You have those already, they are called children.

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