Hello again, and welcome to Dating as a Single Mom - Part 2. Have you ever gone on a date and you feel like a used car salesman trying to sell you and your kids to a prospective buyer? Where in the world did we get this idea that being a single mom is like being a 1949 Studebaker on a new car lot? My goodness, we have been stigmatized for far too long! Before you go out on another date, you have to realize, that whether you have one kid or 10 kids, being a single mom does not define who you are as a woman. You have kids, not leprosy!
It's time that you start looking at being a single mom differently. Contrary to popular belief, men are not complete idiots. They are just as insecure as we are most of the time. They know you have a lot more going for yourself than you realize. Believe it or not you are prime real estate and very marketable as dating material. But because we fail to realize our own worth, we are prime targets for predators.
I remember when my older two children were babies and my ex-husband and I had just recently separated. I was telling another person what I planned to do differently in my next relationship and what I was looking for. That person told me "Well Stephanie, you have kids now so you have to lower your standards. No man wants to deal with a woman and two young kids that aren't his." He made it sound like I was raising pet monkeys and should take anyone with a pulse. I believed him and tolerated a lot more from losers than I should have. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was lied to and believed it. That was the same genius who told me that "men don't date fat chicks." Well a husband, two fiances, and four kids later, I learned that too was untrue, but I digress.
So where do we start?
1. Seeing yourself in a different light - As women in general, we always try to minimize ourselves. I used to think of myself as broken, unlovable, and saddled down with a bunch of kids. Turns out, for the most part, I was the only one who saw myself that way. People saw me as a great manager of money, responsible, a good mother, highly intelligent, and a gourmet chef. It was like they all wore beer goggles or had bad cataracts! You are always your worst critic! We are attractive and intelligent women who often stand in our own way. Listen the fact that you have children, and have dated lets you know you're not a complete dog. This obviously is not your first time at the rodeo. You deserve a good partner and, fortunately, having kids doesn't disqualify you from that.
2. What men see in you - Like I said before, men aren't complete idiots. This what men know about single moms: You are responsible - you are going to do just about whatever it takes to provide for your children. This means you most likely will always have your own place and vehicle. They also know you will keep the utilities on - heaven forbid, you child will be with out lights, gas or water. You can't possibly afford to eat out everyday- you probably cook just about everyday and do so pretty well.
They know that you have experience with men and your time is limited. You don't have time for the games, the cat and mouse, and the mess that comes with it. On the flipside, they know that you have probably been hurt before and that you are exceptionally vulnerable, so be careful of single mom predators. Most importantly, they know you are a good mother because they see you in action. When you don't have kids, its almost a crap shoot on whether the woman would make a good mother or not. This is especially important if he has kids of his own. If your kids are looking like Who Shot John and Uncle Remus, believe me, he's going to notice that. Of course your kids will not always look like they are walking out of a Sears ad, but when you're going out for a family dinner, he'll observe the way you parent.
3. Stop looking as having kids as an impediment - Sadly, some of think of being a single mom as the price we pay for making bad decisions and poor judgment. There may actually be some measure of truth to that but that is as far as it goes. Don't second guess yourself, there is a reason why the relationships with your child's father has ended. Thank God for the season that was had and move on from it. Kids are not your punishment, they are your blessing. Why is it that when kids are with two parents its cute, but when they are with one, its pitiful? What a load of crap! Let me let you in on a secret, even in relationships, we are still the ones doing all the work with the kids. I'm not taking anything away from dads, but the women are ususally the primary caregivers. Your life doesn't change much in that department whether you're a single mom or not. You are still the one with diaper duty, the one who goes to the parent/teacher conference, the one who does the grocery shopping and cooking, and the one who takes the heat when the kids act up. Your biggest issue with being a single mom is that your support system changes. You are still very capable of doing any thing you set your mind to. Guess what you have been doing it all along!
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