Hello Moms,
I have to say, I have missed blogging. I have gotten pretty busy in law practice but my first love is reaching out to my fellow single moms. First I'd like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all those dads who are actually parenting their children. Not all dads are bad, and we as mothers must give credit where credit is due. Also Happy Father's Day to you single mothers making it happen from day to day.
I know today I am supposed to be hitting on internet dating, but since this is Father's Day,I wanted to hit on how our parents shape our own relationships. I will still cover internet dating, possibly today, if time permits. One thing I learned as an adult is that everyone doesn't see things the way I do. I have a strong personality and an interesting sense of humor that may put people off sometimes. I have a tendency to be blunt, and some might even say rude. It really all depends on who you ask and how I know the person.
Growing up, my normal was very different than the normal of my peers. I grew up with divorced parents, which sadly is becoming the norm. My parents were very religious, they had both remarried twice, and they were both very intelligent and good looking people. I went to church multiple times a week, it was apart of my lifestyle. Depending on which parent's church I went to, you might find yourself in an episode of General Hospital or something. My dad was a pilot and my mother worked many hours at the post office.
My parents had very different parenting styles and discipline techniques. Many of my friends had divorced parents and generally we shared a likeness in ideology because we came from similar backgrounds but some came from two parent homes and they saw things very different. Their idea of marriage was very different as was their definition of normal. Believe it or not, the environment that we are raised in has a huge impact on how we view relationships, parenting, etc. I say often that our parents are our first teacher.
If you're anything like me, it probably terrifies you that you are the model for what your child thinks a woman is or should be. It is likely that your son will choose a woman similar to you in personality or your daughter will grow up to be like you. That's why we are so interested in having it "together" because the day our kids find out we are humans and flawed individuals, we just might lose all credibility with them.
My parents were not perfect parents despite their church involvement, jobs, intelligence, and good looks. They never pretended to be either. In fact, what I respect about the both of them the most, is their humility. I didn't really come to appreciate that until having my own children. Kids sit high and look low judging their parents, all the while having no idea what sacrifices their parents make to keep them clothed and fed. I know I did. While my parents weren't perfect, I never had to visit either of them in jail, I never once even had to worry about me or my siblings being touched inappropriately, I was never exposed to any substance abuse, and I was taught by both of them very young to put God first and develop a personal relationship with him.
Like most other kids the biggest complaint was that they worked too much or they were "mean" telling us to go to school, make good grades, and stay away from people who ran the streets. All the advice we so wish we would have taken early on. However, my childhood might be very very different than a person who I may be interested in dating. My upbringing causes me to believe that marriage isn't a necessity. Its great for those who want to be in it, but after being raised by parents who have divorced multiple times, I feel like I can raise my kids and co-parent without necessarily being married to you. Marriage is WORK and not for the faint of heart at all. I have great respect for anyone who wants to be married and is happily married because it is a job. To me, its an obligation and commitment I don't care to entertain right now.
This worked out great for me in being a single parent because I was already prepared for a single parent home. I'd lived in one since I was four years old. To this day, I have no patience for foolishness and no problem closing the door on a relationship that is not working for me. There is absolutely no coming back from cheating. I have no desire to work anything out with a cheater. Unfortunately while this works for me, this is now the normal that I have created for my children. I'm not saying its right or wrong, because it has its pros and cons like everything else, but for a person who comes from a different background, it may seem absolutely crazy.
My mother worked six days a week, she's an awesome cook, she took us on vacation every year, we ate out a lot and I'm used to that. Because she worked crazy hours, we didn't see her that much through the week, but she set a standard for me as a woman. She went to church and we went with her. Like my mother, I work and I work hard. I make more time for my kids because I have that flexibility but that has come with time. I cook, and do it very well, but I am also accustomed to eating out at nice places. I am used to vacationing and so are my children. Almost every man that I have come across has come with the ideology that because I can cook, I must want to cook everyday, and we don't need to go out unless its a special occasion. Wrong again friend.
My father is a pilot, a tall, good looking and very well educated man who fixes things around the house and takes care of business. He wears suits most of the time and is a minister and very active in the church. Most of my life my dad was in school for something. My dad set the bar high for what a man should be. I didn't expect every man to fly an airplane or be a former marine like my dad, but I thought they were all educated, definitely had to be good looking, and I thought they all could fix things. Again, not so much. Imagine my surprise to find that some men have no problem being unemployed, most men don't want to go to church, let alone work in it. Every man didn't share his drive and desire to succeed. And the bulk of men my age, couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time, let alone change the oil or drop a transmission.
What I looked for and expected a man to be was unrealistic. It was my reality that I projected onto everyone else. This was my normal. When I was younger, since I couldn't necessarily find some one to fit the image of what I thought a man should be, I lowered my standards and tried to create a man to fit my ideology which didn't sit to well with most grown men, who quite frankly don't want to be your daddy. From what I have learned, most of them frown on this. This can also arise where women have negative interactions with their parents and project that onto men. Don't get me wrong, some men are just scum, as are some women, but every man you meet isn't going to be the absent father that is not going to take care or their child, or the one that is going to leave you and leave you wondering why.
Our dads, good, bad or indifferent, shape our idea of what a man is or should be. And why wouldn't it? Our dads are the first men we ever love. I had to check myself recently because I had let my standards get too laxed. My dad took care of me while studying for the bar and non of the three men I have borne children to even offered to cover the bills or pool together to make sure their kids didn't go without, but my daddy sure as heck made sure his daughter was cared for. Possibly, they would have if they could have, but in this instance, they did not. We'll charge it to their head and not their heart. I had to come to myself like story of the prodigal son in the Bible, where he found himself eating pig slop and was like "wait a minute, the servants in my father's house have plenty to eat, what am I doing out here in the pig pen?"
That commitment is exactly what I would want from a mate, someone who will work work extra hard to make sure his family is provided for and has pockets deep enough to do it. Someone who may not always have or can give me everything I want but will step up when I need them the most. This is why in the old days when a man came to take a woman from her fathers house he had to give a dowry to show he could provide for her. Don't come taking me out of the warm bed at my parents house to move me to the couch in the basement of your parents house.
Our mothers shape who we are as women. There are some traits you will inherit from your mother that despite your best effort, you won't be able to shake. Like in my family, nagging seems to be a genetic trait. My grandma nagged, my mom nagged and is still nagging (probably nagging right now), and by George, I have become quite the nag myself. My daughters, who are 10 and almost 2, are already nagging at their brothers all the time. I have also inherited the view that it is my way or the highway, which doesn't work well in any situation where compromise is a must. There are two ways of doing things, my way and the wrong way lol.
Since the majority of my readers are women, we have to maintain our standards for relationship but those standards must first be realistic standards. I've written before about making yourself the kind of partner you would want for yourself. My dad said once, you can tell what kind of fish you are going to catch by the bait you use. We also have to realize that every man, good or bad, is not our father. Wouldn't it be gross if they were? It is equally important not to pass these type of projections to our own children. As single mothers we get so used to doing thing ourselves that, believe it or not, we refuse to accept help. Many times when dads want to step in we can stand in the way. Not saying there are times when you don't need to intervene, but there are times where it is a product of selfishness.
If I can be real for a second, just because he is not a good man or husband for you doesn't mean he doesn't love his children and doesn't want to be a father. Remember, if he doesn't want to be a parent, its his loss. Through all of our hurt we have to be able to separate the two. And dare I say, we may have a few flaws of our own as well. It is imperative that if they are bringing a positive influence, we allow them access. That access shapes future relationships and behaviors for our sons AND daughters. Our children need that. Whatever caused my parents previous marriages to fail didn't stop them from being parents to us and they are still parenting even though we are all adults now. I try to give my children the same benefit. As people we may fall short, but as parents we are keeping it together from our respective households.
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