Hello Moms,
Now this topic really burns my hide. I was on Twitter the other night seeing what the world was saying about single parenting and ran across a comment by a young man. He said something to effect of he can't stand to see single parents dressed to impress and their kids are looking all dirty. I don't know the young man but did take the liberty to comment on the tweet.
As single moms, as moms in general actually, we take a lot of heat. People expect our kids to be picture perfect at all times of the day. For some reason, society believes that single moms don't have the right to look nice, fix ourselves up, or doing anything for ourselves period. They feel like every single dollar we have should go to our kids. For some reason, they don't expect this of couples. You would think, since there is two of them, there is an extra pair of hands and presumably and extra income, it would be less acceptable, but honey there is no mercy for Single Mom Sally!
With all that you have going on in your life, the last thing you need is some person, who probably has no idea what it means to raise a child, or what your day is like, giving opinions based on ignorance. If they really knew, they would know that it is so rare that you actually do something for yourself that the only time they even noticed you was the one time you actually found the money or time to do it. What sickens me more is the disdain for the mothers and not the absent fathers. You are supposed to put everything you have into your child but the father has no obligation? Last time I checked, I didn't make these babies by myself but yet I am supposed to get myself and children picture perfect every morning.
So what did I tell this young man? I told him like I will tell anyone. That child you see, dirty with the runny nose, does not have to go to work and keep the lights on. Sometimes it is all a person can do to get up in the morning and get the kids off to school. I don't like to criticize anyone's situation because you never know what is going on in their lives. Some one could have given them those clothes, they may be preparing for a job interview, or they may finally take the time to do something for them. I can tell you that most of what a single mom has is going to those children.
I don't even think he took time to consider that maybe the kid was properly dressed when he left the house and happened to get dirty outside. I went to church last week and spent all morning getting the kids together because I knew we had to rush to another service afterwards and wouldn't have time to stop to change. My 11-year-old son knew that as well but it didn't stop him from playing in the grass after church and getting his pants dirty. i had to take him home to change anyway but during the 30min drive, he was looking like I found him under a bridge.
The point is, life happens! Parents, single parents or not, do not walk around with washing machines in their pocket. There have been times when I have been shopping and left the diaper bag at home or in the car and, sure as shootin', that's when the baby decided to mess through her clothes. I've had to buy emergency diapers and wipes and a change of clothes while out, and I've seen faces of others when I walk by and my baby is smelling like Lazarus when Jesus raised him from the dead. Surely she stinketh, Lord! There have also been times where we were running late and I only had time to comb one head, and if it was a day I had to go to work,it was my hair that got combed. Why? Because I have to earn the living! As I have said before, I can support my kids but they can't support me. But won't they talk about her at school? No they will talk about me at her school. "I can't believe her mama sent her here like that!" People will always talk so let them.
We get so worried about what everyone will think. People who aren't doing it always have an opinion about what you should be doing. People called me a bad mother for getting an education just as much as they called me a bad mother for being poor. You can't please everybody. You will make yourself crazy if you try and believe me, they will find something else to critique. People love to talk about you because it makes their lives seem better. Depending on what day you catch us, me, my kids, or all of us might be looking like we just walked out of a cardboard box. I strike while the iron is hot. If I have to go get something that I may have forgotten in my grocery list, I am not going to be wearing a suit to store, unless its my birthday suit lol, just kidding. When I check the mail, I don't fix my hair or put the kids in top coat and tails. We do what we can and give our best and on some days we fall short. Let him with perfect kids throw the first stone!
Regardless of what anyone says, you deserve something for yourself. I'm not saying you need to starve the kids to get your hair and nails done once a week. But, you do need to do something for yourself sometime. I mean really. I cook everyday of the week, cut my boys' hair myself, comb my girls' hair, and budget to the penny. Every now and again I would like to do something for me. We buy our kids school clothes that they will ruin before Christmas break, we go broke every holiday and birthday and won't even celebrate our own birthday, and go to work sick to save our sick days in case our children get sick and we need the time off. Don't let a person make you feel guilty the one day you get to do something for yourself.
As quiet as its kept, you are going to make yourself feel guilty enough thinking about how you should have paid a bill or took the kids out with the money you spent to buy that outfit and get your hair done. You carry enough guilt as it is, and you really don't need someone else trying to lay it on real thick. Funny how the ones doing the criticizing are always bringing you problems but never offering any solutions. I remember when I graduated from undergrad, I was working two jobs and taking 18 hours my final semester to graduate early. My washing machine had also broke down the week before graduation and it took two weeks to get the repair man out. It was December, it was cold and I had finals up until the day before graduation. With the three kids I had at the time, and myself, my laundry built up pretty fast.
By the time graduation day came, I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I didn't even feel like going through the formalities of graduation, but all of my family had come to see me graduate from college. I worked up until the day of graduation as well, because of course, Christmas was right around the corner. My house was a shamble, baby the only place you would have seen more clothes is on the fitting room floor at Target. I had to be at the graduation well before any of my family. My kids were with my mom and most of my family was staying at her house. Well what was the most important day of my life at the time, was completely ruined by family members criticizing rather than congratulating. I was heartbroken and furious. They had been there one day and made a judgment about me and my entire life without knowing anything about what I had been through to get to that day.
Worst of all, they called me a bad mother. I had earned two Bachelor's degrees in 2 1/2 year and made myself so sick by taking 18 hours a semester, even in the summer, to the point that after I graduated, I kept fainting randomly and had to be hospitalized. The fatigue and stress had caught up with me from school and working two jobs. Why? Because I was living in the projects and I needed to get out of a place where people smoked crack in the parking lot and I wanted something better for my children. I needed to be able to get a real job because that year in the projects was more than enough for me.
I knows what its like Ms. Celie! That day, my happiness was stolen and stripped from me. It wasn't because my family didn't love me, it was because they did not know and did not take the time to find out. Other than my mom, brother, and cousin, no one offered to help either. Yes there were days were my kids were ashy, maybe even had on mismatched socks and uncombed hair. However, there were more days where I went without lunch because my kids had a field trip that took my last $10, or I had to learn to change my own spark plugs and wires because I needed to buy shoes for three kids and couldn't afford to pay someone else to do it. I didn't feel obligated to justify my actions to anyone and I didn't. I still don't and you don't either. You know and God knows all that you are going through and that is what matters.
Listen, if they have a problem with your kids having a snotty nose, they can just as easily grab a tissue and offer it to you or wipe the kids nose themselves. If the funky diaper is bothering them that much, they are more than welcome to grab the diaper and wipes and change the baby. Is it their job? No, but since they are so interested in how you are doing yours, maybe they should lead by example and show you how its done! People need to stay in their own lane. I thank God for my mother because if she comes over and sees that the baby needs a new diaper, she will say "bring me a diaper and wipes" or she will offer to take the kids so I can get a break and clean the house. Everyone doesn't have that. She never brings up a problem, without first thinking of and offering a solution. The cowards at the grocery store will have their opinions and rather than offering some help, will talk about you like you had a tail.
Until next time, stay encouraged and be blessed!
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