Ok Single Moms, dating is such a touchy subject. Should we bring the kids? Should we pay for dates? If we bring the kids, who pays for them? When do we tell them we have kids? The reason I'm doing single mom dating in parts is because there is so much to cover. Since money is the always a big issue, most of the time, let me go ahead and slay the pink elephant.
I know some will think I should cover self esteem, safety and dating as a single mom, or what to do when someone wants to move in (quick answer, don't do it...trust me), but believe me, money will come up first. I am devoting nearly a week to dating so be patient, we'll cover all the bases.
Over the past nine years, I have had the opportunity to date some of the finest wackos this world has to offer and some fairly decent men as well. I have just about heard it all: "I got my own kids, I can't afford to take care of another man's kids"; "Wait a minute waiter, my check is separate"; "Dang you got four kids?"; "I want an independent woman who can take care of me for a change."; "Girl don't you want a house husband who can have all this waiting for you when you come home?!?"; or my favorite "What man wants a woman with four kids, you're damaged goods!"
Lets just dive right in shall we?
Who pays for the date? - Ladies you need another mouth to feed like you need a hole in the head. I do not pay for dates and if a man asks me to pay for the date I will promptly say no. If you want to treat a boyfriend later on down the road, that is different but as far as out the gate, paying for a date, not a chance. From experience, I have learned to take enough cash to cover my food just in case somebody pulls a fast one or has bank glitch.
I know the independent woman is all the rave nowadays, but just because I can pay for my dinner doesn't mean that I want to; and it definitely doesn't mean I want to pay for yours. If a man has asked you out to dinner, he should never fix his mouth to ask you to pay for it. If you wanted to take yourself out to dinner you would have done so. Sometimes a man will bring up that I have four kids and I will charmingly point out "that's all the more reason you should be more considerate than asking me to pay for a date." Apparently some men believe my uterus is an atm and cash came out with the children. Please let me know if your uterus dispenses cash so I'll know if mine is defective.
When is the right time to tell them we have kids - For me, I do it right away. But I will say it depends on your purpose for the date. If you're just looking to have a "good time", maybe you don't have to let them know, but if your goal is something more long term, it is best to be upfront. I don't like games and I don't like to be strung along. At least if they know you have kids upfront, they can make an informed decision about whether they want to pursue anything further. You also get the opportunity to see if this is someone you would even want around your children by his reaction.
It's always funny to me when I say I have four kids that sometimes the date starts to feel like a loan application They want to know who takes care of them, how do I budget, my birth control techniques, the ages and occupations of their fathers. I thought I was the lawyer here! What's with all the questions? Are we on a date or applying for a mortgage? The truth is, men know being a mom comes with added responsibility and less time for foolishness. If they opt out, count your blessings that you didn't waste a lot of time getting to know a person just to get shut down because they don't want to share in the most important part of your life.
Kids - To take or not to take? And who pays if you do? - This is a matter of preference. Some women think that taking the kids will scare the man off. Honey, sometimes you need that lunatic scared off! In all honesty, if you're looking for a long term, you are going to need to see how this man interacts with your kids. I'm not saying you have to take them on the first date, but before you get too serious, you need to bring the kids in. I used to think well, if I like him, that's what matters because the kids are never going to think anyone is good enough for us. Don't underestimate your kids' instincts. Kids are very intuitive! If the guy gives them the creeps, is that the person you want around them until they reach 18? You may not want to dump him on the spot, but it is definitely something you want to pay attention to.
When it comes to the bill, it is best to determine upfront who is paying for the kids. Don't just assume because he tells you to bring the kids, he's going to pay. I went out with a guy after night service at church some years back who invited my kids and I to Denny's. The kids and I had already eaten before night service but the guy was insistent. We're all sitting there and the man starts telling the kids to order whatever they want, sodas, food, appetizers the works. Just as we're finishing up the waiter brings the check and he says, "hey waiter, my check is separate." I had given my kidney at Chuck E. Cheese's taking the kids out earlier and didn't have the money to pay for another meal. I was embarrassed beyond belief! Luckily, I was able to bring the money back the next day, but it could have ended much worse.
If a man tells you he can't afford to pay for you and your kids, he is probably not a good prospect for you. Here is why I say this, if it is single man with no kids, his money should go a lot further than yours. Now I'm not talking about the guy who is down on his luck and up to the eyeballs in child support back pay, this guy isn't for you anyway. Think about it, if you can manage your life and your kid(s), he should be able to manage just him. Your well is already tapped out. If he is not adding some sort of benefit to your life, you don't have time to waste with him. Baby your plate is full! If he wants to date you, he has to know to that and if he's not up for task, then he can't afford to waste your time.
Taking your kids out for a meal is something you can already do by yourself. What in the world do you need him for him for if he can't improve your situation any? Do you really need something else bringing you down? Don't you have enough anchors? We have to get out of this mindset that as single moms, we have to make dating less burdensome on the person we are dating. We always feel we have to overcompensate. Not a chance. If a man is going to date you, he should know that you are not Southwest Airlines, and your baggage does not fly free! If he is going to share in your life, he needs to be prepared to share in all of it.
You are not a gold digger looking for sugar daddy, but you have to preserve what you have. Your stability and your sanity depends on it. Wasting time and money, trying to save face and prove your independence, is costly and believe me, they are not going to get the hint and offer to pay once you have agreed to pick up the tab. I'm not saying to go with your hand out asking for handbags, shoes, and vacations, but going to dinner isn't exactly a trip to Puerto Rico. You will be surprised how many men will be shocked at first, grapple with idea, and then will say "ok". Some will run like hell, but hey at least no time has been wasted on that one. lol
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